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A: Where do you
live?
B: I live in Pasadena.
A: Where is Pasadena?
B: It’s in California.
A: Is it in
northern California?
B: No. It’s in
southern California.
A: Is Pasadena a big city?
B: It’s pretty
big.
A: How big is
“pretty big”?
B: It has about
140,000 people.
A: How big is Los Angeles?
B: It has about 3
million people.
I Have a Honda
A: Do you have a
car?
B: Yes, I do.
A: What kind of
car do you have?
B: I have a Honda.
A: Is it new?
B: It was new in
2003.
A: So, it’s pretty
old now.
B: Yes, it is. But
it still looks good.
A: Do you take
good care of it?
B: Oh, yes. I wash
it once a week.
A: Do you change the oil?
B: My mechanic
changes the oil twice a year.
Do You
Have a Girlfriend?
A: Do you have a
girlfriend?
B: No, I don’t. Do
you?
A: I don’t have a
girlfriend, either.
B: Why not?
A: I don’t know.
Maybe I’m not rich enough.
B: Girls like guys
with money.
A: They sure do.
B: They like guys
with new cars.
A: I don’t have
money or a new car.
B: Me, neither.
A: But girls like
guys who are funny.
B: Maybe we should
learn some good jokes.
Walking
the Dog
A: Where are you
going?
B: I have to walk
the dog.
A: What kind of
dog do you have?
B: I have a little
poodle.
A: Poodles bark a
lot.
B: They sure do.
A: They bark at
everything.
B: They never shut
up.
A: Why did you get
a poodle?
B: It’s my mom’s
dog.
A: So she likes
poodles.
B: She says
they’re good watchdogs.
Borrowing Money
A: Can I borrow
$5?
B: Sure. Why do
you need it?
A: I want to buy
lunch.
B: Where’s your
money?
A: It’s not in my
wallet.
B: Your wallet is
empty?
A: I don’t have
even one dollar in it.
B: Being broke is
no fun.
A: Even if it’s
only for a short while.
B: It’s always
good to have friends.
A: Friends will
lend you money when you’re broke.
B: As long as you pay them back.
Going to
the Beach
A: Let’s go to the
beach.
B: That’s a great
idea.
A: We haven’t been
in a while.
B: We haven’t been
in a month.
A: The last time
we went, you almost drowned.
B: No, I didn’t.
A: Then why did
the lifeguard dive into the water?
B: I think he
wanted to cool off.
A: He swam right
up to you.
B: And then he
turned right around.
A: Maybe you’re
right.
B: Maybe we should
get going.
My Wife
Left Me
A: Are you
married?
B: No. I’m
divorced.
A: When did you
get divorced?
B: I got divorced
two years ago.
A: Why did you get
divorced?
B: My wife left
me.
A: Why did she
leave you?
B: She said she
didn’t love me anymore.
A: Wow! That’s
terrible.
B: Yes, it was.
A: Why didn’t she
love you anymore?
B: She fell in
love with my best friend.
What’s on
TV?
A: I’m bored.
B: What’s on TV?
A: Nothing.
B: There must be
something on TV!
A: Nothing that’s
interesting.
B: What about that
new game show?
A: Which one?
B: “Deal or No
Deal.”
A: Tell me you’re
joking.
B: I love that
show.
A: I watched it
once. That was enough.
B: It’s on right
now. Let’s watch it together.
A Nice
Place to Live
A: I like living
here.
B: I agree. Pasadena is a nice city.
A: It’s not too
big.
B: And it’s not
too small.
A: It has great
weather all year long.
B: It has the Rose
Parade.
A: It has
beautiful houses.
B: It has
wonderful restaurants.
A: It has great
schools.
B: It’s close to
the mountains.
A: The people are
friendly.
B: I’m not ever going
to leave.
The New
Mattress
A: We need a new
mattress.
B: What’s the
matter with this one?
A: It’s not
comfortable.
B: It seems fine
to me.
A: I toss and turn
all night.
B: You should stop
drinking coffee.
A: Look at these
marks on my arms.
B: What are they?
A: They are bites.
B: Did the cat
bite you?
A: No. The bedbugs
in that mattress bit me.
B: Okay. Let’s get a new mattress.
My Laptop
Is So Slow
A: My laptop is so
slow.
B: Buy a new one.
A: I would if I
had the money.
B: Why is it so
slow?
A: That’s a good
question.
B: Did you take it
to a computer shop?
A: I would if I
had the money.
B: Well, I guess
you have to live with it.
A: Sometimes I
want to throw it out the window.
B: You don’t want
to do that.
A: Why not?
B: You might hit
someone in the head.
How about
a Pizza?
A: What’s for
dinner?
B: I’m not sure.
A: How about a
pizza?
B: You had pizza
for lunch.
A: But I love
pizza.
B: Everybody loves
pizza.
A: So why can’t I
have pizza for dinner?
B: Because you
need variety.
A: What’s
“variety”?
B: Different
things—not the same thing all the time.
A: You mean, like
a pepperoni pizza instead of a cheese pizza?
B: No, I mean a salad instead of a pizza.
The New
House
A: We need to save
money.
B: Why do we need
to save money?
A: Because we need
to buy a house.
B: But a house is
so expensive.
A: That’s why we
need to save money.
B: How much do we
need to save?
A: We need to save
enough for a down payment.
B: How much is
that?
A: That’s about
$30,000.
B: Thirty thousand
dollars! That will take forever.
A: Not if we save
every penny.
B: Okay. Here’s
seven pennies.
Fish Are
Everywhere
A: The Ocean is so
big.
B: You can’t see
the end of it.
A: It goes on and
on forever.
B: And it’s deep,
too.
A: I think its
five miles deep.
B: Are there fish
at the bottom?
A: There are fish
at the top and the bottom.
B: Are there more
fish or more people?
A: I think there
are more fish.
B: I hope so. I
love to eat fish.
A Bad
Boyfriend
A: I’m upset with
my mom.
B: Why is that?
A: I warned her
about her new boyfriend. She didn’t listen to me.
B: What happened?
A: I gave her
$1,000 for her birthday. I told her to spend it on herself.
B: That was very
nice of you.
A: I found out
that she gave it to her new boyfriend.
B: Why did she do
that?
A: He said he
would buy her a nice ring.
B: What’s wrong
with that?
A: He went to Las Vegas. He lost it all
gambling.
B: I hope your mom broke up with him.
Talking
Animals
A: Do animals talk
to each other?
B: Of course they
talk to each other.
A: What do they
talk about?
B: They talk about
other animals.
A: What else do
they talk about?
B: They talk about
food and the weather.
A: Do they talk
about us?
B: Of course they
talk about us.
A: What do they
say about us?
B: They say that
we are funny-looking.
A: Ha! We’re not
funny-looking; animals are funny-looking.
B: We’re funny-looking because we wear clothes.
Housecleaning
Day
A: I have to clean
the house.
B: Yes, it’s very
dirty.
A: You can help
me.
B: Why me?
A: Because you
helped make it dirty.
B: What do you
want me to do?
A: I want you to
clean the bathroom.
B: Oh, that’s
easy.
A: Clean the sink,
the tub, the counter, and the toilet.
B: That’s a lot of
work.
A: Tell me when
you finish.
B: I don’t think
so. You’ll just give me more work.
A TV Lover
A: You’re watching
too much TV.
B: What do you
mean?
A: I mean you’re
wasting your life.
B: I’m having fun.
A: You’re sitting
there with your mouth open.
B: Who cares?
A: I care. Do
something.
B: Okay. I did
something.
A: What did you
do?
B: I turned up the
volume.
A: That’s not what
I meant by “do something.”
B: Will you do something? Leave me alone.
Write to
Your Grandma
A: Did you write a
letter to grandma?
B: Yes, I did.
A: Did you tell
her about school?
B: I told her that
school is fun.
A: Did you put the
letter in an envelope?
B: Yes, and I
sealed the envelope.
A: Did you put a
stamp on the envelope?
B: I couldn’t find
any stamps.
A: They’re in the
kitchen drawer.
B: Okay. I just
put a stamp on the envelope.
A: Give me the
envelope, and I’ll mail it for you.
B: When is grandma going to learn about e-mail?
Are You
Sleepy?
A: Why are you
yawning?
B: I’m sleepy.
A: Why don’t you
go to bed?
B: I want to watch
this TV show.
A: Maybe you
should record it.
B: The tape
recorder is broken.
A: Then you should
watch the rerun.
B: Why? I’m watching
the original.
A: But you’ll be
asleep in about one minute.
B: I’m just
yawning because the commercials are on.
A: Okay. I’ll tell
you how the show ends.
B: Zzz.
God Is
Watching
A: It’s Sunday.
B: So?
A: You know what
that means.
B: I forgot.
A: Sunday means we
go to church.
B: Oh, yeah.
A: Put on a coat
and tie.
B: Why?
A: To show respect
to God and others.
B: I’m glad Sunday
is only once a week.
A: I hope God
didn’t hear that.
B: He’ll forgive
me.
Feed the
Cat
A: Did you feed
the cat?
B: I’ll do that in
a minute.
A: The cat is
meowing. He’s hungry.
B: Okay. I’ll feed
him right now.
A: You shouldn’t
make him wait.
B: I was doing my
homework.
A: The cat doesn’t
care about your homework.
B: The cat doesn’t
care about anything.
A: That’s the way
cats are.
B: All they think
about is themselves.
A: Maybe we should
get rid of him.
B: Of course not!
He’s family.
Shave Your
Face
A: I hate shaving.
B: Me too.
A: I just cut
myself again.
B: Did you use a
new blade?
A: It doesn’t
matter. Old blades cut, new blades cut.
B: Maybe you
should use an electric shaver.
A: They make a lot
of noise, but they don’t give a close shave.
B: Maybe you
should stop shaving.
A: And grow a
beard?
B: Sure. Why not?
A: Because food
and other stuff sticks in my beard.
B: Hmm. Here’s an
idea. Put cream on your face and have the cat lick it off.
Two Polite
People
A: Excuse me.
B: Yes?
A: Are you reading
this paper?
B: Oh, no. Help
yourself.
A: I asked because
the paper is sitting next to you.
B: Thank you. That’s polite of you to ask.
A: Some people would just pick it up.
B: Yes, I know. Some people are rude.
A: I always try to be polite.
B: So do I.
A: The world needs more polite people like us.
B: I agree 100 percent.
Give Me a
Puppy
A: Mom, I want a
puppy.
B: Let me think
about it.
A: Why do you have
to think about it?
B: Because a puppy
costs money.
A: No, it doesn’t.
Puppies are free.
B: Yes, but a
puppy needs shots.
A: Shots for what?
B: So it won’t get
sick. Just like you get shots.
A: I hate shots.
B: And a puppy
eats food. Food costs money.
A: No problem.
I’ll give him food off my plate.
B: Oh, no you
don’t. Puppies don’t eat vegetables.
Kittens to
Give Away
A: Look at all
these kittens!
B: How many are
there?
A: Eight.
B: They’re all so
cute.
A: Yes, but I
can’t keep them.
B: What are you
going to do with them?
A: I’m going to
give them away. Do you want one?
B: Yes, I would
love one.
A: Which one do
you want?
B: That one. The
one that’s all black.
A: Yes, I like
that one, too.
B: I’ll call him
Blacky.
Happy in Heaven
A: My parents go
to church every Sunday.
B: They trust in
God.
A: They hope they
will go to heaven.
B: They probably
will.
A: But no one
knows for sure.
B: That’s for
sure.
A: No one knows
what happens after we die.
B: If we are good,
we will be happy in heaven with God.
A: That’s what
many people believe.
B: If we are bad,
we will be unhappy forever in hell.
A: I don’t want to
go to hell.
B: Let’s go to
church with your parents on Sunday.
His Line Is Never Busy
A: My husband
died.
B: I’m sorry for
you.
A: Thank you.
B: When did he
die?
A: A couple of
months ago.
B: You still miss
him.
A: Yes, but I talk
to him almost every day.
B: When you go to
church?
A: No, when I call
him on his cell phone.
B: What do you
mean?
A: I buried him
with his cell phone.
B: What will you
do when the battery dies?
Friday the 13th
A: Today is Friday
the thirteenth.
B: That’s a bad
day.
A: It’s supposed
to be unlucky.
B: You’re supposed
to stay home all day.
A: That’s what I
do.
B: My friend
stayed in a hotel on Friday the thirteenth.
A: That was a
mistake.
B: He stayed on
the thirteenth floor.
A: What happened?
B: Someone stole
his laptop.
A: He was asking
for it.
B: He learned his
lesson. He’s home today.
Do You Love Me?
A: Do you really
love me?
B: Of course.
A: Prove it.
B: How can I prove
it?
A: Take me to
dinner.
B: That’s it?
That’s all I have to do?
A: Take me to a
nice restaurant, not to McDonald’s.
B: But a nice
restaurant costs money.
A: Yes, and you
have to make a reservation.
B: That’s such a
hassle.
A: I knew you
didn’t love me.
B: Okay, okay!
I’ll make a reservation right now.
Dad Has a Girlfriend
A:
My parents are divorced.B: So are mine.
A: Why did your parents get divorced?
B: My father found a new girlfriend.
A: That’s too bad.
B: My mother was hurt and angry.
A: She had good reason. What did she do?
B: She told him to drop his girlfriend.
A: What did your father do?
B: He moved out of our house.
A: I guess he really liked his new girlfriend.
B: Yes, but she left him a year later.
What’s That Smell?
A: My grandma’s apartment
smells funny.
B: So does mine.
A: I think it’s an
old people’s smell.
B: Really?
A: Yes. I think
when you get old, you begin to smell.
B: Like fruit that
is too ripe?
A: Yes, just like
fruit that is too ripe.
B: But the smell
is different.
A: Yes, old people
don’t smell like fruit.
B: No, they smell
like a thrift shop.
A: Yes, a thrift
shop has that same smell.
B: Yes, an old smell.
They Deliver
A: The price of
stamps goes up and up.
B: I think stamps
used to cost a penny.
A: That was a long
time ago.
B: It was before I
was born.
A: Now a stamp is
42 cents.
B: But in May it
will be 44 cents.
A: Have you ever
lost a letter in the mail?
B: No, I haven’t.
A: Neither have I.
B: So, they do a
good job for the money.
A: Yes, they do.
B: Maybe we
shouldn’t complain.
A Lost Button
A: A button came
off my shirt.
B: What are you
going to do?
A: First, I have
to find the button.
B: Where did you
lose it?
A: I have no idea.
B: A button is
hard to find. Did you look in your pant cuffs?
A: That’s a good
idea.
B: I found a
button in my pant cuffs one time.
A: Let me look.
No, it’s not there.
B: Many shirts
come with an extra button.
A: You’re right.
This one does have an extra button.
B: Now all you have to do is sew it on.
Did You Say Something?
A: I have to go to
the bathroom.
B: You drink too
much coffee.
A: But I love
coffee.
B: Well, it’s your
life.
A: You eat too
much chocolate.
B: I don’t think
so.
A: Have you looked
in the mirror?
B: Do you think
I’m getting fat?
A: I didn’t say
that.
B: What did you
say?
A: I said I have
to go to the bathroom.
B: That’s what I
thought you said.
Washed and Folded
A: Did you do the
laundry?
B: Yes, I did.
A: What did you
wash?
B: I washed the
sheets and towels.
A: What about the
pillowcases?
B: Yes, I took
them off the pillows and washed them.
A: Did you dry
everything in the dryer?
B: Yes, I dried
everything in the dryer.
A: Then what did
you do?
B: I folded all
the towels.
A: Did you put the
sheets on the beds?
B: Yes, and I put
the pillowcases on the pillows.
Talk Radio
A: Do you listen
to the radio?
B: I listen day
and night.
A: What do you
listen to?
B: Mostly talk
radio.
A: What’s that?
B: People talk
about current events.
A: What do they
say?
B: They say they
want change.
A: What kind of
change?
B: They want tax
cuts.
A: Why do they
want tax cuts?
B: Because tax
cuts will save them money.
A Bad Diet
A: Mom, I’m
hungry.
B: Look in the
fridge.
A: I’m looking.
There’s nothing to eat.
B: Are you sure?
A: It’s almost
empty.
B: I went to the
market yesterday.
A: I don’t see anything.
B: I bought lots
of oranges and apples.
A: I don’t want
fruit. I want something tasty.
B: Eat the fruit.
It’s good for you.
A: Next time you
go to the market, let me go with you.
B: No, thank you.
All you want to eat are hot dogs and candy bars.
A Ham Sandwich
A: What is there
to eat?
B: I don’t know.
Look in the fridge.
A: I think I’ll
make a sandwich.
B: What kind?
A: A ham sandwich.
B: The bread is in
the cabinet.
A: Where’s the
mustard?
B: It’s in the
fridge, I think.
A: Oh, yes, here
it is. Do you want a sandwich?
B: Yes, that
sounds nice.
A: How about some
potato chips?
B: Yes. And a
pickle, if we have any.
Time for Your Bath
A: It’s time for
your bath, young lady.
B: But, Mom, I’m
not dirty.
A: You need a bath
every day.
B: Why?
A: Because you don’t
want to smell bad.
B: I don’t smell
bad.
A: That’s what you
think.
B: If I smelled
bad, I could smell me.
A: I can smell
you.
B: I can smell
you, too.
A: That’s my
perfume.
B: When can I wear
perfume?
A Black Screen
A: Something’s
wrong with my computer.
B: Exactly what?
A: All I get is a
black screen.
B: What’s the
matter?
A: I think I know,
because this happened before.
B: What happened
before?
A: My hard drive
crashed.
B: Oh, no. That’s
bad news.
A: It sure is, but
I’m going to call HP first, just to make sure.
B: Will you lose
all your files?
A: No, I always
back up my files.
B: You’re smart.
A New Hard Drive
A: I called HP
about my computer.
B: What did they
say?
A: They said I
need a new hard drive.
B: That’s too bad.
How much is a new one?
A: It’s not too
much, only about $85.
B: Plus
installation?
A: No, my hard
drive is easy to remove and replace.
B: Really?
A: Yes, it’s just
a couple of screws.
B: That’s nice.
A: It’s a lot
better than paying someone $60.
B: If my hard
drive crashes, I’ll just call you.
Your Email Address
A: Bluedog123. Are
you sure that's all?
B: Yes.
A: No. That’s
incomplete.
B: What do you
mean?
A: What’s your
mailing address?
B: 456 Cherry Drive, Pasadena,
CA 91170.
A: That’s correct.
B: So what’s the
problem?
A: Bluedog123 is
just the street. You have to give me the city, state, and ZIP code.
B: Oh, I get it. My email address is bluedog123@yahoo.com.
Time for a Nap
A: I’m going to
take a nap.
B: You should
unplug the phone.
A: That’s a good
idea.
B: Do you want me
to wake you in an hour?
A: No, thanks.
Just let me sleep until I wake up.
B: I’ll start
dinner at 6:00.
A: Okay. I think
I’ll be awake by then.
B: If not, your
nose will wake you up.
A: You mean I will
smell the food cooking?
B: You might even
dream about dinner.
A: I don’t think
I’m going to dream about anything. I’m really tired.
B: Have a nice nap.
Thinking about His Funeral
A: That was a nice
funeral.
B: Yes, dad, it
was.
A: The son gave a
nice speech about his father.
B: It was long,
too.
A: I think it was
about 45 minutes long.
B: But it went by
fast. It was interesting.
A: I liked it.
B: I’ll give you a
speech like that, too.
A: Do you think
anyone will come to my funeral?
B: Of course.
A: I think only
the family will be there.
B: You have lots
of friends. They will be there, too!
The Elephant
A: Yikes! What was
that noise?
B: I had to blow
my nose.
A: Did you have to
blow right next to the phone?
B: Did you hear
that?
A: Of course I
heard that. I thought a plane had crashed into your house.
B: It wasn’t that loud.
A: I will blow my
nose sometime for you, and you’ll see.
B: Okay. I’ll take
your word for it.
A: I thought you
had an elephant in your house.
B: You’re funny.
A: What did you
say? I think I’ve gone deaf.
B: I’m going into
the bathroom to blow my nose. I’ll be right back.
You Can Have Some of My Friends
A: I have lots of
friends.
B: Really? How
many do you have?
A: I don’t know,
maybe one hundred.
B: That is a lot
of friends. Do you have a best friend?
A: Of course. I
have lots of best friends.
B: How many best
friends do you have?
A: I think about
twenty-five.
B: Hmm. I have
only one best friend.
A: I feel sorry
for you.
B: I have only a
few friends.
A: You must be
lonely. I will share my friends with you.
B: That’s very nice of you.
If You Cheat, You Will Die
A: Don’t you ever
cheat on me.
B: Why would I do
that?
A: Because men
like to cheat.
B: Some men do,
but not me.
A: I’m watching
you.
B: I’m an open
book. Watch me all you want.
A: If I catch you,
you’ll be sorry.
B: You won’t catch
me, because I love you. I’m not a cheater.
A: I will poke
your eyes out.
B: I don’t want
any other woman.
A: I will chop
your toes off, one by one.
B: Honey, please.
You’re the only woman for me, forever. I swear it.
Let’s Not Go Out
A: I hate to go
outside.
B: Me too.
A: Why do you hate
to go outside?
B: I meet too many
jerks.
A: I agree.
B: This city is
full of jerks.
A: Rude people are
everywhere.
B: But what can
you do?
A: You can yell at
them.
B: And they will
yell back at you.
A: Yelling doesn’t
do any good.
B: No. The best
thing to do is just stay home.
Fill Out the Form
A: Will you look
at this form?
B: Are you having
problems with it?
A: I don’t
understand some things.
B: Let me help
you.
A: What does “MI”
mean?
B: “MI” stands for
Middle Initial.
A: What does “MM/DD/YY”
mean?
B: That means
Month/Day/Year. Use numbers.
A: I don’t
understand.
B: For example, if
your birth date is January 12, 1987, write 01/12/87.
A: Oh. That’s
simple enough.
B: Always print
clearly, and fill in the bubbles completely.
The Animal Shelter
A: Let’s go to the
animal shelter.
B: What do you
want to do?
A: I want to get a
puppy for my son.
B: That will make
him so happy.
A: I’ll get him
one of those little dogs.
B: One that won’t
grow up too big.
A: And eat too
much.
B: Do you know
which one he would like?
A: Oh, yes, I took
him there yesterday. He showed me one that he really liked.
B: I bet you had
to drag him away.
A: He wanted to
take it home yesterday.
B: I wonder what he’ll name it.
A: Let’s go to the
animal shelter.
B: What do you want
to do?
A: I want to get a
puppy for my son.
B: That will make
him so happy.
A: I’ll get him
one of those little dogs.
B: One that won’t
grow up too big.
A: And eat too
much.
B: Do you know
which one he would like?
A: Oh, yes, I took
him there yesterday. He showed me one that he really liked.
B: I bet you had
to drag him away.
A: He wanted to
take it home yesterday.
B: I wonder what he’ll name it.
Is It Raining?
A: What’s the
weather like?
B: I don’t know. I
just woke up.
A: Why don’t you
look outside?
B: Okay. It looks
like rain.
A: Why do you say
that?
B: The sky is
gray.
A: Is it raining
right now?
B: No.
A: How do you
know?
B: The Street
isn’t wet.
A: I have to go
shopping today.
B: You’d better
take an umbrella.
It’s so hot
A: I can’t believe
how hot it is.
B: It’s not even
noon yet.
A: That means it
will get hotter.
B: I am dying from
the heat.
A: Turn on the air
conditioner.
B: It doesn’t
work.
A: What happened?
B: I don’t know.
A: Did you call
the repairman?
B: Of course.
A: When is he
coming?
B: He’s busy. He
said next week.
A Snowman
A: I’ll be glad
when winter comes.
B: Why is that?
A: Because I love
the snow.
B: Yes, the snow
is fun.
A: Last year we
made a big snowman.
B: How big was it?
A: It was seven
feet tall.
B: How long did it
take?
A: It took us all
day.
B: Did you give
him a nose?
A: Of course. We
gave him a big carrot for a nose.
B: Let me help you make one this year.
The ATM
A: I’m going to
the bank.
B: What do you
need to do?
A: I need to
withdraw some money.
B: How are you
going to do that?
A: I’ll just use
the ATM.
B: What’s that?
A: It’s the
Automatic Teller Machine.
B: It gives you
money?
A: I just insert
my debit card into the machine.
B: And it gives
you money?
A: Well, it gives
me money, but it’s my own money.
B: Oh. What good
is that? I thought it gave you free money.
Move the Blue Bin
A: Did you put the
blue bin out on the street?
B: Oh, no. I
forgot.
A: Well, you’d
better take it out front.
B: What time does
the recycle truck come by?
A: It usually gets
here at noon on Tuesday, which is tomorrow.
B: I’ll just take
it out to the street tomorrow morning.
A: Oh, no, you
don’t.
B: What do you
mean?
A: Every morning
you get up late and rush off to work late.
B: Do you think
I’ll forget to do it?
A: You’ll remember
to do it, but you won’t have time to do it.
B: Okay, I’ll take it out front right now.
Digital TV
A: Are you ready?
B: Ready for what?
A: Ready for the
big switch.
B: What are you
talking about?
A: The nation is
switching to digital TV.
B: Oh. Of course
I’m ready.
A: Did you buy the
converter?
B: No, I don’t
need a converter because I bought a digital TV.
A: How much was
that?
B: It was only
about $120 for a 13-inch screen.
A: Does it pick up
any digital channels?
B: Oh, yes. I get
six Korean channels but nothing in English!
Just Shoot
Me
A: People are
funny.
B: They sure are.
A: Did you hear
about the pilot?
B: The one that
stole a small plane?
A: Yes, he stole a
plane in Canada and flew
into the U.S.
B: Did they catch
him?
A: Yes. After two U.S. fighter
jets followed him for an hour, he landed on a highway.
B: Did he crash?
A: No, he just
landed the plane and walked to a restaurant.
B: Did the cops
find out why he flew into the U.S.?
A: His life
sucked. He was hoping a fighter jet would shoot him down.
B: Poor guy.
Don’t Be a
Racist
A: The police need
our help finding a robber.
B: How do you
know?
A: The TV news is
reporting a bank robbery.
B: Do they know
what the robber looks like?
A: Yes, he’s 6
feet tall, 200 pounds, black hair, and about 30 years old.
B: What race is he?
A: They didn’t
say.
B: The TV news
doesn’t tell us the race anymore.
A: Of course not.
That would be racist.
B: But how can we
identify someone if we don’t know their race?
A: Don’t ask me.
B: Then they also
shouldn’t tell us if the robber is male or female, because that is sexist.
Use a
Tissue
A: Don’t wipe your
nose on your sleeve.
B: But I don’t
have a tissue.
A: Then go find a
tissue in the bathroom.
B: I didn’t have
time to get one from there.
A: Your sleeves
are not tissues.
B: But Mom, all my
friends use their sleeves.
A: That doesn’t
make it right.
B: I saw Dad wipe
his nose on his sleeve yesterday.
A: I will talk to
your father about that.
B: I bet Dad did
it all the time when he was my age.
A: Your daddy was
a good little boy.
B: How do you know?
Were you his mommy, too?
Two Little
Ones
A: I’m worried.
B: Worried about
what?
A: I’m getting
married.
B: You should be
happy, not worried.
A: I am happy, but
marriage is a lot of responsibility.
B: Yes, you have
to take care of your wife.
A: And I have to
take care of our children.
B: Are you going
to start a family?
A: Yes. We want to
have a little boy and a little girl.
B: That sounds
wonderful.
A: Except we can’t
afford it!
B: No wonder you’re worried.
But Is It
Art?
A: I don't get
art.
B: Or artists.
A: They're in a
different world.
B: I saw a
painting of a jar that was full of pencils.
A: The artist said
the jar was both full and empty.
B: But it was full
of pencils! How could he say it was empty?
A: Artists see
things differently.
B: Did you ever
see anything that Picasso painted?
A: Of course! He's
world famous.
B: Did he ever
take art lessons?
A: I can't believe
it. I drew paintings like that in third grade.
B: Where are they? Maybe they are worth millions.
Life Is for Living
A: What's the
point?
B: The point of
what?
A: Of living.
B: Who knows? You
live, and then you die.
A: We must be here
for some reason.
B: Maybe we're
here to have fun.
A: Then why aren't
I having fun?
B: Because you're
thinking too much.
A: So I should
stop thinking?
B: Stop thinking
about what the point is.
A: Okay. I'll
start thinking about having some fun.
B: Just be
patient. Fun doesn't come along every five minutes.
A Tough
Choice
A: Beer is a
powerful drug.
B: So are
cigarettes.
A: Which would you
prefer?
B: What do you
mean?
A: When you die
and go to heaven, they will offer you beer or cigarettes.
B: I could pick
only one or the other?
A: Yes. Nothing's
perfect, not even in heaven.
B: Boy, that's a
tough one.
A: What's so tough
about it? Of course, I would pick cigarettes.
B: But cigarettes
taste much better when you have a cold beer.
A: Well, you can't
have everything.
B: I don't think I
want to go to your heaven.
Patch It
or Sew It?
A: My pants have a
hole in the front pocket.
B: You shouldn't
carry pens in your pocket.
A: Yesterday a pen
fell through my pants onto my shoe.
B: Lucky for you
it wasn't a sharp knife.
A: Who carries a
sharp knife in their pocket?
B: Criminals, of
course.
A: Anyway, I have
to fix the hole.
B: You can sew it
up or use an iron-on patch.
A: Tell me about
this patch.
B: The patch has
glue. The hot iron melts the glue so the patch sticks on.
A: That sounds a
lot easier than sewing.
B: It is. But
after about ten washings, the glue washes off.
What's So
Funny?
A: Do you know any
good jokes?
B: I can't
remember jokes.
A: Neither can I.
B: They go in one
ear and out the other.
A: Who makes up
all these jokes?
B: Who knows? But
there must be a hundred new ones every day.
A: Yes, just in
English alone.
B: I wonder if
every language has jokes.
A: Of course!
People everywhere like good jokes.
B: What do you
think people joke about the most?
A: I think most
jokes are about women.
B: Oh, really? I
think most jokes are about men!
Spanish
Spoken Here
A: You're very
lucky.
B: Why do you say
that?
A: You speak two
languages.
B: Well, my
English isn't perfect.
A: No one speaks
perfect English.
B: Maybe I will be
the first!
A: I've been
thinking about learning Spanish.
B: Spanish is
easy. I'll be happy to teach you.
A: How long will
it take me to learn?
B: I think it will
only take you a year or two.
A: How soon can we
begin?
B: Ahora! That
means right now.
It's the
Only Earth We've Got
A: Do you know what today is?
B: Yes, it's April 22.
A: It's more than just a date.
B: Is it your birthday or anniversary?
A: No, it's Earth Day.
B: What's that?
A: It's a yearly reminder to take care of our planet.
B: Oh, you mean like reuse things and recycle stuff?
A: Yes. We need to think green, save water, and stop using plastic bags.
B: How about if I take shorter showers?
A: That's a good idea, because showers waste a lot of water.
B: From now on I'll spend only 20 minutes in the shower.
A: It's more than just a date.
B: Is it your birthday or anniversary?
A: No, it's Earth Day.
B: What's that?
A: It's a yearly reminder to take care of our planet.
B: Oh, you mean like reuse things and recycle stuff?
A: Yes. We need to think green, save water, and stop using plastic bags.
B: How about if I take shorter showers?
A: That's a good idea, because showers waste a lot of water.
B: From now on I'll spend only 20 minutes in the shower.
No Time
for Rhyme
A: Poetry sucks.
B: I don't know anyone who likes it.
A: Some of it is okay, I guess.
B: Yes, the poems that rhyme and are easy to remember.
A: Like "One, two, buckle my shoe."
B: But people still write poems.
A: No one makes any money at it.
B: Shakespeare was a poet.
A: Did he get rich from his poetry?
B: Probably not.
A: Poems are a little bit like songs.
B: Yes, but songs have music. Without music, songs would suck, too.
B: I don't know anyone who likes it.
A: Some of it is okay, I guess.
B: Yes, the poems that rhyme and are easy to remember.
A: Like "One, two, buckle my shoe."
B: But people still write poems.
A: No one makes any money at it.
B: Shakespeare was a poet.
A: Did he get rich from his poetry?
B: Probably not.
A: Poems are a little bit like songs.
B: Yes, but songs have music. Without music, songs would suck, too.
Dumb and
Happy
A: How smart are you?
B: I don't know. I think I'm average.
A: Did you ever take an IQ test?
B: No, I never did. All I know is that I got A's and B's in school.
A: I wish I was really smart.
B: Don't be ridiculous.
A: What do you mean?
B: If you're going to make a wish, wish that you were really rich or famous.
A: Don't you ever wonder what it's like to be super-smart?
B: It must be very lonely.
A: Why's that?
B: Because if you're super-smart, no one understands what you're saying.
B: I don't know. I think I'm average.
A: Did you ever take an IQ test?
B: No, I never did. All I know is that I got A's and B's in school.
A: I wish I was really smart.
B: Don't be ridiculous.
A: What do you mean?
B: If you're going to make a wish, wish that you were really rich or famous.
A: Don't you ever wonder what it's like to be super-smart?
B: It must be very lonely.
A: Why's that?
B: Because if you're super-smart, no one understands what you're saying.
Live from
NBC 4!
A: I missed the TV news last night. What was on?
B: Nothing that would pass as news.
A: What's the weather going to be like this weekend?
B: I don't know. Whenever the weather comes on, I switch channels.
A: What was the lead story on the news?
B: Some actress was in court for driving without a license.
A: What was the second story?
B: Some actor married a woman young enough to be his daughter.
A: What was the third story?
B: A bull chased a man in a supermarket.
A: Wasn't there anything about Octo-Mom?
B: Of course. She's going to hire a nanny for her eight infants.
B: Nothing that would pass as news.
A: What's the weather going to be like this weekend?
B: I don't know. Whenever the weather comes on, I switch channels.
A: What was the lead story on the news?
B: Some actress was in court for driving without a license.
A: What was the second story?
B: Some actor married a woman young enough to be his daughter.
A: What was the third story?
B: A bull chased a man in a supermarket.
A: Wasn't there anything about Octo-Mom?
B: Of course. She's going to hire a nanny for her eight infants.
Life after
Death
A: What are you going to do about your death?
B: Well, mostly I'll try to avoid it.
A: I mean, are you going to get buried or cremated?
B: My wife and I will be cremated.
A: Are you going to be buried next to each other?
B: Oh, no. Our ashes will be shaken into the ocean.
A: You're not going to be buried?
B: A coffin costs too much and takes up too much space.
A: Yes, but it will be in a cemetery where your children can visit you.
B: Children seldom visit their parents in a cemetery.
A: That's true. A cemetery is for dead people, not living people.
A: We figure our kids can visit us whenever they go to the beach.
B: Well, mostly I'll try to avoid it.
A: I mean, are you going to get buried or cremated?
B: My wife and I will be cremated.
A: Are you going to be buried next to each other?
B: Oh, no. Our ashes will be shaken into the ocean.
A: You're not going to be buried?
B: A coffin costs too much and takes up too much space.
A: Yes, but it will be in a cemetery where your children can visit you.
B: Children seldom visit their parents in a cemetery.
A: That's true. A cemetery is for dead people, not living people.
A: We figure our kids can visit us whenever they go to the beach.
Wipe Your
Feet
A: Did you wipe your feet?
B: Yes, of course I wiped my feet.
A: Then why is there mud on the carpet?
B: I don’t know. It’s not my mud.
A: Well, someone brought it into the house.
B: Look at the bottom of my shoes—they’re clean.
A: Of course they’re clean. You left all the mud on the carpet.
B: Okay, I’ll get the vacuum cleaner.
A: Don’t vacuum it now.
B: Don’t you want me to clean up the mud?
A: Wait till it dries. It will be easier to vacuum.
B: Next time I will be more careful.
B: Yes, of course I wiped my feet.
A: Then why is there mud on the carpet?
B: I don’t know. It’s not my mud.
A: Well, someone brought it into the house.
B: Look at the bottom of my shoes—they’re clean.
A: Of course they’re clean. You left all the mud on the carpet.
B: Okay, I’ll get the vacuum cleaner.
A: Don’t vacuum it now.
B: Don’t you want me to clean up the mud?
A: Wait till it dries. It will be easier to vacuum.
B: Next time I will be more careful.
Mother’s
Day
A: What are you getting for your mom?
B: What are you talking about?
A: Sunday is Mother’s Day.
B: This Sunday?
A: Of course. It’s all over the news.
B: I thought it was next Sunday.
A: Well, you’d better get her something.
B: I’ll get her a nice card.
A: Is that it?
B: Yes. That’s all I ever give her.
A: She raised you, and all you ever give her is a card?
B: It’s okay. She knows that I love her.
B: What are you talking about?
A: Sunday is Mother’s Day.
B: This Sunday?
A: Of course. It’s all over the news.
B: I thought it was next Sunday.
A: Well, you’d better get her something.
B: I’ll get her a nice card.
A: Is that it?
B: Yes. That’s all I ever give her.
A: She raised you, and all you ever give her is a card?
B: It’s okay. She knows that I love her.
A New Flag
A: I don’t like our flag.
B: What’s the matter with it?
A: It’s too much like other flags.
B: Yes, a lot of flags have stripes.
A: A flag should be pretty.
B: What should our flag look like?
A: It should have a pretty woman on it.
B: That’s ridiculous!
A: You don’t like pretty women?
B: Of course I do. But not on our flag!
A: Every nation should have a pretty woman on their flag.
B: You can’t go to war carrying a flag with a woman on it!
B: What’s the matter with it?
A: It’s too much like other flags.
B: Yes, a lot of flags have stripes.
A: A flag should be pretty.
B: What should our flag look like?
A: It should have a pretty woman on it.
B: That’s ridiculous!
A: You don’t like pretty women?
B: Of course I do. But not on our flag!
A: Every nation should have a pretty woman on their flag.
B: You can’t go to war carrying a flag with a woman on it!
Work up an
Appetite
A: I had a busy morning.
B: What did you do?
A: I watered all the plants.
B: You have a lot of plants.
A: Then I did my laundry.
B: That takes some time.
A: I took the dog for a walk.
B: I’ll bet he enjoyed his walk.
A: I vacuumed the entire house.
B: That’s a lot of work.
A: And then I made lunch.
B: I’ll bet you were hungry!
B: What did you do?
A: I watered all the plants.
B: You have a lot of plants.
A: Then I did my laundry.
B: That takes some time.
A: I took the dog for a walk.
B: I’ll bet he enjoyed his walk.
A: I vacuumed the entire house.
B: That’s a lot of work.
A: And then I made lunch.
B: I’ll bet you were hungry!
Dialing
for a Dollar
A: I don’t have long distance service with my home phone.
B: So how do you make long distance calls?
A: I use a calling card.
B: Where do you get that?
A: I buy it at the dollar store.
B: How much is it?
A: It’s one dollar for 100 minutes.
B: That’s only a penny a minute!
A: It’s a great price. But you have to dial a lot of numbers.
B: How many?
A: First you dial seven numbers, then ten numbers, then ten more numbers.
B: Yikes. I think I’ll keep my long distance service.
B: So how do you make long distance calls?
A: I use a calling card.
B: Where do you get that?
A: I buy it at the dollar store.
B: How much is it?
A: It’s one dollar for 100 minutes.
B: That’s only a penny a minute!
A: It’s a great price. But you have to dial a lot of numbers.
B: How many?
A: First you dial seven numbers, then ten numbers, then ten more numbers.
B: Yikes. I think I’ll keep my long distance service.
DATING
A Blind Date
A: I’ve got a date
for you.
B: Oh, really?
A: Are you
interested?
B: Maybe. What is
she like?
A: She’s got a
great personality.
B: Uh-oh. That
means that she’s fat and ugly.
A: She’s cute.
B: Okay, so she’s
not ugly; she’s just fat.
A: She weighs 98
pounds.
B: Okay, she’s not
fat. So what’s the problem with her?
A: Who said there
is a problem with her?
B: The problem is
she has no problems—she’s too good for me!
Let’s Have Dinner
A: I think you’re
very pretty.
B: Thank you.
A: Would you have
dinner with me?
B: I would like
to.
A: Can I pick you
up Friday night?
B: What time?
A: Eight o’clock.
B: That sounds
great.
A: We’ll go to a
French restaurant.
B: I’ve never been
to a French restaurant.
A: I think you’ll
love the food.
B: I’m not going
to eat any snails!
Blue Eyes
A: You have pretty
eyes.
B: Thank you. So
do you.
A: I wish my eyes
were blue.
B: What’s the
matter with green eyes?
A: Nothing, except
my favorite color is blue.
B: Maybe in your
next life you’ll have blue eyes.
A: But what if I’m
a fish in my next life?
B: I think some
fish have blue eyes.
A: I hope I don’t
come back as a fish.
B: I hope I come
back as a cat.
A: Cats have
beautiful eyes.
B: I would love to
have blue cat-eyes.
True Love
A: I love you.
B: I love you,
too.
A: I loved you the
first day I saw you.
B: It was love at
first sight?
A: Yes, it was
love at first sight.
B: I didn’t love
you at first.
A: I know. I had
to chase you for a while.
B: Yes, you chased
me and then you caught me.
A: Now you’re mine
forever.
B: And you’re mine
forever.
A: We’ll grow old
together.
B: And be happy
together.
Ask Her Out
A: I’m in love
with that girl.
B: Have you told
her?
A: Of course not.
B: Why not?
A: She would laugh
at me.
B: How do you
know?
A: Because they
always do.
B: Maybe she’s
different.
A: They’re all the
same.
B: Just ask her
out to dinner.
A: And then what?
B: And then she’ll
know that you like her.
A Night by Himself
A: Give me a hug.
B: I’m not in the
mood.
A: What’s the
matter?
B: I saw you
looking at that woman.
A: What woman?
B: You know, that
woman with the big boobs.
A: I was not looking
at her.
B: You were, too.
A: I’m not
interested in her.
B: Then why were
you looking at her?
A: I was looking
at something else.
B: Oh, really?
Then spend tonight looking at the sofa.
Go on a Blind Date
A: Would you like
to go on a blind date?
B: You must be
joking.
A: No, I’m
serious.
B: I don’t want to
date a blind woman.
A: A blind date
doesn’t mean that she is blind!
B: What does it
mean?
A: A blind date is
a date with someone you don’t know.
B: Why would I
date someone I don’t even know?
A: To try something
new and exciting.
B: What if I don’t
like her?
A: Then you don’t
date her again.
Two Pineapples
A: I have a date
tomorrow night.
B: Really? Who
with?
A: A girl I met at
the market.
B: You met a girl
at the supermarket?
A: She was
standing behind me in a really slow line at the checkout counter.
B: What did you
say to her?
A: I had two pineapples
in my cart, and she asked, where I had found them.
B: She asked you
about your pineapples?
A: I told her I
had gotten the last two on the shelf, but I
offered her one of
mine.
B: That was nice
of you.
A: She asked me
how she could return the favor, so I asked her out.
B: Sometimes a
slow line can be a good thing.
One Date Only
A: Did you have a
date Friday night?
B: Yes, in fact, I
did.
A: Who did you go
out with?
B: A man I met in
a coffee shop.
A: Where did you
go?
B: We went to a
nice restaurant.
A: Anywhere else?
B: Then we went to
a jazz club.
A: That sounds
like a nice date.
B: Yes, it was
pleasant.
A: But you won’t
date him again?
B: No. He was
nice, but there was no chemistry.
A Bad Date
A: I had the worst
date the other night.
B: What happened?
A: First of all,
he was half an hour late.
B: That’s not a
good start.
A: Then he didn’t
bother to apologize.
B: That’s rude.
A: Then he drove
too fast to the restaurant.
B: That’s
dangerous.
A: I thought about
getting out and taking a taxi home.
B: What happened
at the restaurant?
A: We had a $40
meal, and he left a $1 tip!
B: I guess you
can’t go back to that restaurant.
Sweet
Dreams
A: I don't like that man.
B: Why not?
A: He's a dirty old man.
B: What do you mean?
A: He's old enough to be my father, yet he asked me out.
B: Well, you can't blame a man for asking.
A: He should act his age.
B: But a lot of old people are still interested in dating.
A: They should find a nice hobby.
B: Just wait until you're 50 years old.
A: Dating will be the furthest thing from my mind.
B: That's what you say now. Wait till you're 50.
B: Why not?
A: He's a dirty old man.
B: What do you mean?
A: He's old enough to be my father, yet he asked me out.
B: Well, you can't blame a man for asking.
A: He should act his age.
B: But a lot of old people are still interested in dating.
A: They should find a nice hobby.
B: Just wait until you're 50 years old.
A: Dating will be the furthest thing from my mind.
B: That's what you say now. Wait till you're 50.
I Love You
More than Money
A: Does your girlfriend ever make
you angry?
B: Sometimes.
A: What does she do?
B: Just yesterday, I told her I wouldn't trade her for all the money in the world.
A: That was a nice thing to say.
B: That's what I thought.
A: What did she say?
B: She laughed! She didn't believe me.
A: That wasn't very nice of her.
B: She said that nothing is more important to me than money.
A: What did you say?
B: I told her I wouldn't trade her for any other woman in the world.
B: Sometimes.
A: What does she do?
B: Just yesterday, I told her I wouldn't trade her for all the money in the world.
A: That was a nice thing to say.
B: That's what I thought.
A: What did she say?
B: She laughed! She didn't believe me.
A: That wasn't very nice of her.
B: She said that nothing is more important to me than money.
A: What did you say?
B: I told her I wouldn't trade her for any other woman in the world.
ENTERTAINMENT
A Great
Movie
A: Did you see
“Titanic”?
B: Yes. It is a
great movie.
A: I saw it twelve
times.
B: I saw it eight
times.
A: I have the DVD.
B: So do I.
A: Let’s go to
your home.
B: We can watch my
DVD.
A: And then we can
go to my home.
B: And watch your
DVD.
A: I always cry at
the end.
B: Me too. It’s so sad.
A Card
Game
A: Let’s play
cards.
B: I don’t know
any card games.
A: I’ll teach you
one.
B: Okay. What will
you teach me?
A: It’s called
poker.
B: Is it easy to
learn?
A: Yes, it will
only take about 30 minutes.
B: Okay. Teach me
how to play.
A: We each get
five cards.
B: Oh, look. I
have four tens.
A: That’s great,
but you’re not supposed to tell me.
B: Oh. Sorry. Okay, I don’t have four tens.
I Have
Four Aces
A: I’m a good card
player.
B: Why is that?
A: Because I watch
the other players.
B: What do you
mean?
A: People will
“tell” you if they have a good hand.
B: How do they do
that?
A: For example, a
friend of mine licks his lips.
B: When he licks
his lips, you know he has a good hand?
A: I know he has a
good hand, so I don’t bet.
B: He never wins
your money?
A: Nope, and it
drives him crazy.
B: He knows you
can’t read his mind. Maybe he thinks you’re cheating.
Too Much Volume
A: Turn the radio
down, please.
B: But I’m
listening to it.
A: Well, listen to
it more quietly.
B: I can’t wait
till I grow up.
A: What will you
do?
B: I will play the
radio as loud as I want.
A: That’s okay
with me.
B: I will have a
radio in every room of my house.
A: Remind me to
never visit you.
B: All the radios
will be on extra loud.
A: Your neighbors
will hate you.
B: If they don’t
like it, they can move.
Don’t Waste Your Money
A: I hope I win the lotto.
B: Your chances
are very small.
A: But you can’t
win if you don’t play.
B: Ha! You can’t
win if you do play.
A: Someone has to
win.
B: That’s what
everyone says.
A: It might as
well be me.
B: That’s what
everyone says.
A: You’re trying
to tell me something.
B: That didn’t
take long.
A: You think I
should quit playing.
B: Save your money for school.
Rained Out
A: What’s on TV?
B: Nothing much.
A: What about the
baseball game?
B: It got rained
out.
A: Rained out?
B: Yes, rained
out.
A: How could that
be?
B: Well, you can’t
play baseball in a rainstorm.
A: I thought they
were playing under a dome.
B: The dome
doesn’t close.
A: Why doesn’t it
close?
B: Who knows? They
said they’ll fix it before next season.
A Sip of Coffee
A: Can I try your
coffee?
B: Sure. Here you
go.
A: Hmm, that’s not
bad.
B: There’s nothing
in it.
A: What do you
mean?
B: I mean, it’s
just coffee.
A: I figured that.
B: It’s not too
bitter for you?
A: It’s a little
bitter, but it’s okay.
B: There’s no sugar
or cream in it.
A: No, it’s a
taste you have to get used to.
B: Sort of like
beer.
A Chilly Day
A: Let’s take a
walk.
B: What’s the
weather like?
A: Let me step
outside and see.
B: It’s a little
chilly, right?
A: Yes, it is.
B: I’ll put on my
cap.
A: Wear a jacket,
too.
B: I wonder if I
should bring my gloves.
A: Maybe you
should, just in case it gets colder.
B: I’ll put a
glove in each pocket.
A: We’ll get
warmer as we walk.
B: Yes, but it
gets colder as the sun goes down.
A Crazy
Driver
A: Look at the car
chase on TV!
B: That driver is
crazy.
A: I can’t believe
he hasn’t crashed.
B: How fast is he
going?
A: They say he’s
going 80 miles per hour.
B: He’s going to
kill someone.
A: Look! He just
hit that car.
B: Oh, my
goodness. No one is safe on the streets.
A: Now he’s
slowing down.
B: Maybe he ran
out of gas.
A: Look! He just
got out of the car and started running.
B: I hope the police catch him.
It Isn’t
News
A: TV news is so
stupid.
B: They shouldn’t
even call it news.
A: Last night they
told us about a cat in a sofa.
B: Yesterday they
told us about a dog in a pipe.
A: Last week they
told us about a bear in a back yard.
B: Last month they
told us about a mouse in a restaurant.
A: The weatherman
tells us the temperature in every town.
B: The sports guy
shows us players fighting.
A: They always
tell us “what’s next.”
B: They always
make “what’s next” sound exciting, but it never is.
A: It’s more like
news for kids.
B: They should
have kid reporters.
The Great
Wall
A: I love my
computer.
B: Computers are
so cool.
A: I love to go
online.
B: The Internet is
amazing.
A: You can travel
all over the world.
B: I know. I went
to China
yesterday.
A: What did you
do?
B: I stood on the
Great Wall and looked all around.
A: What was it
like?
B: It was like the
real thing.
A: It was like
being there?
B: Yes, I felt
like I was actually there.
The
Beatles
A: The Beatles are
the best.
B: They are the
best musical group ever.
A: I love all
their songs.
B: I don’t know
which one I like the best.
A: I like the ones
I can sing along with.
B: So do I, like
“She Loves You.”
A: “She loves you,
Yeah, yeah, yeah!...”
B: “…And you know
you should be glad!”
A: What a great
song.
B: How about “Let
It Be”?
A: Oh, yes! “Let
it be, let it be…”
B: “…There will be
an answer, let it be!”
See a
Movie
A: Let’s go to a
movie.
B: I’d rather not.
A: Why not?
B: You know I
don’t like crowds.
A: Let’s go to an
early movie.
B: Okay, that
won’t be very crowded.
A: What would you
like to see?
B: Oh, I don’t
care. You’re the one who wants to go out.
A: Well, I want to
see “The Pursuit of Happyness.”
B: What have you
heard about it?
A: It’s based on a
true story about a divorced man and his young son.
B: Well, I hope it has a happy ending.
People-Watching
A: What’s your
favorite thing to do?
B: I like to watch
people.
A: That’s your
favorite thing to do?
B: Well, it’s one
of them.
A: Where do you go
to watch people?
B: My girlfriend
and I sit outside Starbucks.
A: That sounds
like a good spot.
B: We watch people
walk by with their dogs.
A: I guess you see
lots of different dogs.
B: We don’t even
know what kind most of them are.
A: There are lots
of different kinds, but they all have one thing in common.
B: Yes, they love to sniff each other when they meet.
Free Money
A: They call him
Father Dollar Bill.
B: Yes, he was on
the TV news today.
A: Every Easter
Sunday he gives away money.
B: Is it his
money?
A: No. Movie stars
give him money to give to homeless people.
B: How much money
does he give away?
A: This year he
gave away $15,000.
B: That’s a lot of
money.
A: He gave $100 to
people in wheelchairs.
B: What about the
other homeless people?
A: They got $1
each.
B: People stood in
line just to get one dollar?!
Old Movies
A: Old movies are
the best.
B: Even though
they’re in black and white.
A: A good story is
more important than color.
B: Actors didn’t
curse back then.
A: And there was
no violence.
B: People today
don’t like that.
A: No, today
people like lots of action.
B: I like a good
story.
A: I like to see
actors who are like real people.
B: Like real
people with real problems.
A: They still make
movies like that.
B: Yes, but they
never make much money.
Something
for Nothing
A: Do you get PBS
on TV?
B: Yes, everybody
gets the Public Broadcasting System.
A: It puts me to
sleep.
B: Tell me about it.
A: A gardening
show follows a knitting show.
B: A cooking show
follows a sewing show.
A: A travel show
follows another travel show.
B: I'll say! I've
gone around the world a dozen times already!
A: Now they're
adding old TV shows to the old movies.
B: I sure would
like to see something interesting for a
change.
A: If more people
donate money, PBS could offer new shows.
B: Who wants to donate? Public TV should be free.
Judge Judy
A: I love to watch "Judge Judy."
B: Is that a TV show?
A: Yes. It's on every afternoon.
B: What's so good about it?
A: They have interesting lawsuits.
B: Such as?
A: Yesterday, a woman complained about a cell phone she bought on eBay.
B: Was something wrong with the phone?
A: It works only in Canada.
B: Did the seller know that?
A: Yes, and he didn't tell the buyer.
B: I hope Judge Judy made the seller take the phone back.
B: Is that a TV show?
A: Yes. It's on every afternoon.
B: What's so good about it?
A: They have interesting lawsuits.
B: Such as?
A: Yesterday, a woman complained about a cell phone she bought on eBay.
B: Was something wrong with the phone?
A: It works only in Canada.
B: Did the seller know that?
A: Yes, and he didn't tell the buyer.
B: I hope Judge Judy made the seller take the phone back.
A Good
Singer
A: That woman is a very good singer.
B: Yes, but she looks like a man.
A: What difference does it make?
B: Female singers are supposed to be pretty.
A: Singers are supposed to sound good.
B: They should look good, too.
A: There are lots of ugly men singers.
B: Men singers don’t have to look good.
A: Then neither do women singers.
B: Well, I would never buy her CD.
A: But you would buy her CD if she was pretty?
B: Yes. I would buy all of her CDs.
B: Yes, but she looks like a man.
A: What difference does it make?
B: Female singers are supposed to be pretty.
A: Singers are supposed to sound good.
B: They should look good, too.
A: There are lots of ugly men singers.
B: Men singers don’t have to look good.
A: Then neither do women singers.
B: Well, I would never buy her CD.
A: But you would buy her CD if she was pretty?
B: Yes. I would buy all of her CDs.
Going
Digital
A: All the TV stations are going to go digital.
B: Yes, that will occur next month.
A: Most of them are already broadcasting in digital.
B: The digital signal is very clear.
A: Oh, no, it isn’t!
B: What do you mean?
A: I can’t get a single channel.
B: Do you have a digital TV?
A: Of course. But I don’t have cable.
B: You don’t need to have cable, but you do need a good antenna.
A: But I have rabbit ears.
B: Rabbit ears aren’t strong enough. Buy a digital antenna.
B: Yes, that will occur next month.
A: Most of them are already broadcasting in digital.
B: The digital signal is very clear.
A: Oh, no, it isn’t!
B: What do you mean?
A: I can’t get a single channel.
B: Do you have a digital TV?
A: Of course. But I don’t have cable.
B: You don’t need to have cable, but you do need a good antenna.
A: But I have rabbit ears.
B: Rabbit ears aren’t strong enough. Buy a digital antenna.
ABOUT
HEALTH
A
Stomachache
A: I have a
stomachache.
B: Is it something
you ate?
A: Maybe. I’m not
sure.
B: What did you
have for breakfast?
A: The usual,
cereal with milk and a banana.
B: Maybe the milk
was bad.
A: It didn’t smell
bad.
B: Maybe the
banana was bad.
A: No, the banana
was delicious.
B: Maybe you just
need to go to the bathroom.
A: No, that’s not
the problem.
B: Maybe it will
go away in a little while.
A Blood
Stain
A: What’s this
stain?
B: I don’t know.
A: It looks like blood.
B: I think my nose
was bleeding.
A: You should wet
your shirt immediately.
B: Why?
A: Because that
gets the blood out of the shirt.
B: What’s a little
blood?
A: Your white
shirt is ruined.
B: So, I’ll just
buy another one.
A: You can wear
this one around the house.
B: Next time I’ll soak it immediately.
Sore
Fingers
A: My fingers
hurt.
B: Why do they
hurt?
A: I type too
much.
B: You should take
a break.
A: I need to type
to make money.
B: But typing is
causing you pain.
A: Maybe I should
see a doctor.
B: Doctors are too
expensive.
A: He might tell
me to rest for a while.
B: He might want
to cut you open.
A: He might say
I’m okay.
B: He might say
you have bone cancer.
Too Much
Stress
A: What did the
doctor say?
B: He thinks I
have too much stress.
A: Stress causes
your stomachaches?
B: Stress causes
different problems with different people.
A: So what did he
tell you to do?
B: He said I need
to think positive.
A: He didn’t give
you any medication?
B: I hate
medication. It makes me feel different.
A: So how do you
think positive?
B: I think about
nice things.
A: Like what?
B: Like a day at
the beach, with my toes in the sand.
A Paper
Cut
A: I cut my
finger.
B: How did you do
that?
A: It’s a paper
cut.
B: Paper can be
dangerous.
A: It hurts, too.
B: Paper cuts can
hurt a lot.
A: Where are the
band-aids?
B: I think they’re
in the medicine cabinet.
A: It’s on the tip
of my finger.
B: A band-aid
might not work.
A: I must not use
this finger until the cut heals.
B: It might take a day or two to heal.
Cigarette
Smoke
A: Do you smell
that?
B: Oh, yes.
A: I can’t stand
cigarette smoke.
B: It smells so
bad.
A: One cigarette
stinks up the whole sidewalk.
B: Smokers think
they are so cool.
A: They are so
weak.
B: A little
cigarette controls them.
A: They look so stupid
taking a puff.
B: And then they
blow smoke out of their mouth.
A: They think it’s
cool.
B: Cigarettes
stink.
Nose Drops
A: Do you have a
cold?
B: Yes, I do.
A: How did you get
it?
B: My sister had a
cold. She gave it to me.
A: Have you taken
anything for your cold?
B: No, I just blow
my nose a lot.
A: Your nose is
stopped up?
B: Yes. I have to
breathe through my mouth.
A: Have you tried
nose drops?
B: No, I don’t
like nose drops.
A: They work
great.
B: I don’t care. I
don’t like to put drops in my nose.
Skin
Cancer
A: Would you put
suntan lotion on my back, please?
B: Sure.
A: Thank you.
B: You shouldn’t
lie in the sun for too long.
A: I want to get a
tan. I don’t want to look so pale.
B: What’s wrong
with looking pale?
A: People think
you might be sick.
B: Who thinks
that?
A: I don’t know.
B: It’s better to
be pale than to have skin cancer.
A: I know that.
B: So why are you
arguing with me? Don’t lie in the sun too long!
Quitting
Smoking
A: I can’t quit
smoking.
B: Of course you
can.
A: I don’t have
enough will power.
B: Of course you
do.
A: I wish I had
never started.
B: So does every
smoker.
A: I’ve tried to
quit so many times.
B: So has everyone
else.
A: Nothing seems
to work.
B: All it takes is
will power, and you have it.
A: Then why can’t
I quit?
B: You have to
believe in yourself.
A Bad Back
A: My back is
killing me.
B: What did you
do?
A: I got out of my
car.
B: That’s it?
A: I injured my
back one time just by sneezing.
B: You should see
a doctor.
A: My doctor said
I need surgery.
B: So?
A: So, forget it.
B: You don’t have
the money?
A: I have no
insurance.
B: Maybe a back
rub would help.
Three a
Day
A: My brother
smokes three packs a day.
B: Three packs of
what?
A: Cigarettes, of
course.
B: How can he do
that?
A: When he is
almost finished with one cigarette, he uses it to light another.
B: He’s a chain
smoker.
A: He’s been a
chain smoker for 30 years.
B: That’s
unbelievable. Can he still breathe?
A: He can, but the
people around him can’t.
B: How can he
still be alive?
A: His doctor says
his heart and lungs are strong and healthy.
B: Maybe I should start smoking.
Brush,
Brush
A: I hate brushing
my teeth.
B: It’s such a
chore.
A: Brush, brush.
Spit, spit.
B: What did they
do in the old days?
A: They brushed
with their fingers.
B: They also ate
with their fingers!
A: Why do they
call it the good old days?
B: Maybe because
they didn’t have to brush and floss.
A: Who invented
flossing?
B: A dentist, I’m
sure.
A: I hate flossing
more than brushing!
B: I can’t wait
till all my teeth fall out.
A Hot Hike
A: Let's stop for a while. I need a break and some water.
B: This trail is hard to climb.
A: Especially on a hot day like this.
B: I can't believe we haven't seen any animals.
A: Thank goodness! I don't want to see any wild animals.
B: All we've seen so far is a couple of lizards.
A: We're hiking to lose weight, not to see goats and bears.
B: I bet I've lost a couple of pounds already.
A: All you've lost is some sweat.
B: I haven't even lost one pound of fat?
A: If you want to lose fat, you've got to do this hike every day.
B: Okay, but let's hike in town. At least there are cats and dogs to see.
B: This trail is hard to climb.
A: Especially on a hot day like this.
B: I can't believe we haven't seen any animals.
A: Thank goodness! I don't want to see any wild animals.
B: All we've seen so far is a couple of lizards.
A: We're hiking to lose weight, not to see goats and bears.
B: I bet I've lost a couple of pounds already.
A: All you've lost is some sweat.
B: I haven't even lost one pound of fat?
A: If you want to lose fat, you've got to do this hike every day.
B: Okay, but let's hike in town. At least there are cats and dogs to see.
Another
Pimple
A: Oh no, another pimple on my face.
B: Pimples suck.
A: It seems like I get a new pimple almost every day.
B: Maybe it's something in your diet.
A: No, I eat the same things day after day.
B: Then maybe it's in your genes.
A: You might be right.
B: Do pimples run in your family?
A: Not that I've noticed.
B: Well, maybe it's from the pollution in the air.
A: Whatever the cause, I hate seeing them on my face.
B: Well, on the bright side, they're fun to pop.
B: Pimples suck.
A: It seems like I get a new pimple almost every day.
B: Maybe it's something in your diet.
A: No, I eat the same things day after day.
B: Then maybe it's in your genes.
A: You might be right.
B: Do pimples run in your family?
A: Not that I've noticed.
B: Well, maybe it's from the pollution in the air.
A: Whatever the cause, I hate seeing them on my face.
B: Well, on the bright side, they're fun to pop.
No Need to
Worry
A: Do you believe everything you hear?
B: I don't believe anything I don't see with my own eyes.
A: You can't believe what you hear on TV or radio.
B: You can't believe what you read in the newspapers.
A: Everyone tells you a different story about the same thing.
B: Three different people will give you three different stories.
A: And the government will give you a fourth story.
B: Yes, like the government says not to worry about the swine flu.
A: But the swine flu just killed 20 people in Mexico.
B: The government says we have nothing to worry about.
A: Then why are some schools telling the kids to stay home?
B: The government says to wash our hands frequently, and we'll all be okay.
B: I don't believe anything I don't see with my own eyes.
A: You can't believe what you hear on TV or radio.
B: You can't believe what you read in the newspapers.
A: Everyone tells you a different story about the same thing.
B: Three different people will give you three different stories.
A: And the government will give you a fourth story.
B: Yes, like the government says not to worry about the swine flu.
A: But the swine flu just killed 20 people in Mexico.
B: The government says we have nothing to worry about.
A: Then why are some schools telling the kids to stay home?
B: The government says to wash our hands frequently, and we'll all be okay.
Use a
Tissue
A: Don’t pick your nose.
B: I wasn’t picking my nose.
A: What were you doing?
B: I was scratching my nose.
A: I think I know the difference between picking and scratching.
B: Okay, mom, maybe I was picking it a little bit.
A: Use a tissue next time.
B: I didn’t have a tissue.
A: Then wait till you find a tissue.
B: I couldn’t wait. It was an emergency.
A: Oh, really? Maybe you should have called 911.
B: It wasn’t that kind of emergency.
B: I wasn’t picking my nose.
A: What were you doing?
B: I was scratching my nose.
A: I think I know the difference between picking and scratching.
B: Okay, mom, maybe I was picking it a little bit.
A: Use a tissue next time.
B: I didn’t have a tissue.
A: Then wait till you find a tissue.
B: I couldn’t wait. It was an emergency.
A: Oh, really? Maybe you should have called 911.
B: It wasn’t that kind of emergency.
A Dirty
Remote
A: Our TV remote is filthy.
B: Yes, it’s covered with crud.
A: I’m going to clean it.
B: Don’t use water on it!
A: I’ll use a damp cloth.
B: Don’t let water get into any of the cracks.
A: I’ll squeeze the cloth so it’s almost dry.
B: Don’t rub the numbers off the remote.
A: I will rub gently but firmly.
B: Do it quickly, please, so I can change channels during commercials.
A: I’ll give it back to you in a couple of minutes.
B: Maybe we should put it in a plastic bag to keep it clean.
B: Yes, it’s covered with crud.
A: I’m going to clean it.
B: Don’t use water on it!
A: I’ll use a damp cloth.
B: Don’t let water get into any of the cracks.
A: I’ll squeeze the cloth so it’s almost dry.
B: Don’t rub the numbers off the remote.
A: I will rub gently but firmly.
B: Do it quickly, please, so I can change channels during commercials.
A: I’ll give it back to you in a couple of minutes.
B: Maybe we should put it in a plastic bag to keep it clean.
An Earful
of Pain
A: My ear is killing me.
B: What’s the matter?
A: I was on a plane.
B: So?
A: So, every time the plane goes up, my ear starts to hurt.
B: That’s no good.
A: Sometimes the pain goes away, and sometimes it doesn’t.
B: Have you seen a doctor?
A: I’ve been to two doctors.
B: And they couldn’t fix your problem?
A: They both said I have to live with it.
B: Or you can stay off planes.
B: What’s the matter?
A: I was on a plane.
B: So?
A: So, every time the plane goes up, my ear starts to hurt.
B: That’s no good.
A: Sometimes the pain goes away, and sometimes it doesn’t.
B: Have you seen a doctor?
A: I’ve been to two doctors.
B: And they couldn’t fix your problem?
A: They both said I have to live with it.
B: Or you can stay off planes.
A New Face
A: Did you see the woman with the new face?
B: Did she get a nice job?
A: She got an “everything” job!
B: What do you mean?
A: A team of doctors gave her a whole new face.
B: Why did they do that?
A: A mad dog bit most of her face off.
B: Oh, that’s terrible. What does she look like now?
A: Her face is really fat, but they say the swelling will go down.
B: And then will she look normal again?
A: I guess so.
B: God bless modern medicine.
B: Did she get a nice job?
A: She got an “everything” job!
B: What do you mean?
A: A team of doctors gave her a whole new face.
B: Why did they do that?
A: A mad dog bit most of her face off.
B: Oh, that’s terrible. What does she look like now?
A: Her face is really fat, but they say the swelling will go down.
B: And then will she look normal again?
A: I guess so.
B: God bless modern medicine.
A Sore
Hand
A: There’s something wrong with my right hand.
B: What’s wrong with it?
A: It aches most of the time.
B: What do you think it is?
A: I don’t know. I think it’s old age.
B: If it’s old age, why don’t both of your hands hurt?
A: That’s a good question. Maybe it’s not old age.
B: Are you right-handed?
A: Yes. All my life.
B: You’re wearing out your right hand. Stop using it so much.
A: But I do all my writing with my right hand.
B: Start typing instead. That way your left hand will do half the work.
B: What’s wrong with it?
A: It aches most of the time.
B: What do you think it is?
A: I don’t know. I think it’s old age.
B: If it’s old age, why don’t both of your hands hurt?
A: That’s a good question. Maybe it’s not old age.
B: Are you right-handed?
A: Yes. All my life.
B: You’re wearing out your right hand. Stop using it so much.
A: But I do all my writing with my right hand.
B: Start typing instead. That way your left hand will do half the work.
ABOUT JOB
I Need a
Job
A: I need a job.
B: I thought you
had a job.
A: I did.
B: What happened?
A: I got laid off.
B: That’s
terrible! When did it happen?
A: I got laid off
last week.
B: Just you?
A: No, ten of my
coworkers got laid off, too.
B: What are you
going to do?
A: I’m looking in
the newspaper for a job.
B: Good luck!
Before Going to an Interview
A: Before you go
to that interview, check yourself.
B: What’s to
check?
A: Are your nails
clean?
B: Yes, they are.
A: Did you
double-check your nose and teeth?
B: They are clean,
too.
A: Did you shine
your shoes?
B: My shoes are
shined.
A: Do your socks
match?
B: Of course they
match.
A: No, they don’t.
One is black and one is dark blue.
B: Yikes! Thank you.
Work Is
Hard
A: Life is hard.
B: It sure is.
A: I thought
school was hard.
B: Me, too. I
couldn’t wait to graduate.
A: But now work is
hard, too.
B: I agree. Work
is just as hard as school.
A: Sometimes I
wish I was back in school.
B: Me, too. School
was fun.
A: And it was only
12 years.
B: It went by
pretty fast.
A: But work goes
on forever!
B: We have to work
for 30 years!
Peas in a Pod
A: I’m sleepy.
B: So am I.
A: I had a long
day.
B: So did I.
A: I didn’t even
have lunch.
B: Neither did I.
A: I was busy the
whole day.
B: So was I.
A: I had to bring
work home with me.
B: I did too.
A: Your day was
just like mine.
B: Of course it
was. We work together!
I Am a Babysitter
A: I don’t like my
job.
B: What do you do?
A: I’m a
babysitter.
B: Is that a lot
of work?
A: Babies cry all
the time.
B: You have to
change their diapers.
A: I have to feed
them.
B: Are you looking
for another job?
A: No, I’m looking
for another family.
B: Another family?
A: A family with
only one baby.
B: That’s a good idea.
Hire Me
A: I need a job.
B: What was your
last job?
A: I was a
painter.
B: What happened?
A: I got laid off
because there was no work.
B: What else can
you do?
A: I’m a handyman.
B: Can you fix a
dripping faucet in a kitchen sink?
A: Of course.
B: Then I have a
job for you in my kitchen.
A: It will cost
you only $20 plus parts.
B: Okay. That
sounds like a fair price.
What If?
A: What would you
do if you lost your job?
B: I have no idea.
I’ve been here for 20 years.
A: Do you have any
other skills?
B: Well, I know
how to flip hamburgers.
A: No one would
hire you to flip hamburgers.
B: Have you heard
something that you’re not telling me?
A: What do you
mean?
B: Are there going
to be layoffs at this place?
A: I certainly
hope not!
B: If you got laid
off, you’d be flipping hamburgers, too.
A: Oh great, we
could both work at Burger King.
B: Maybe we’d get
laid off there, too.
Become a Teacher
A: Do your
students ever talk about their jobs?
B: Yes, and they
ask me what jobs are the best.
A: I tell my
students to become a teacher.
B: Teaching is a
great job.
A: It’s the best
job I’ve ever had.
B: What makes it
so good?
A: For me, it’s
the students.
B: What do you
mean?
A: I mean I have
wonderful students.
B: That must be
nice.
A: Teaching is the
best part of my whole day.
B: You’re a lucky
man to have a job you love.
Over and Over
A: Boy, I’m glad
that job is finished.
B: How long did it
take?
A: Four hours,
without a break.
B: It’s always
nice to finish a job.
A: Well, it’s good
and bad.
B: What’s bad
about it?
A: When you
finish, all you do is start another job!
B: Yes, that’s
right. It does get boring.
A: Especially if
it’s the same work, over and over.
B: But that’s what
most people do.
A: Yes, I guess
most of us are stuck in a routine.
B: I wonder if
there is any job that you don’t repeat over and over.
A Bad Boss
A: I think I have
the worst boss in the world.
B: What makes him
so bad?
A: He’s rude and
he yells a lot.
B: That’s hard to
take.
A: I’ve never
heard him say please or thank you.
B: He sounds like
a real jerk.
A: No one at work
likes him.
B: Can’t you
report him to his supervisor?
A: Of course not.
If I do that, I’ll lose my job.
B: Yes, they don’t
like troublemakers or complainers.
A: I can’t quit,
because I’m making a good salary.
B: You shouldn’t
choose money over happiness.
Light My Fire
A: What are we
going to do?
B: About what?
A: About finding a
job for me.
B: You don’t need
a job. I make enough money for both of us.
A: That doesn’t
matter. I don’t want to sit around.
B: Okay, what kind
of job do you want?
A: I’m not sure.
B: Well, you
should do something that you enjoy.
A: I enjoy
selling. I was born to sell.
B: Okay, what do
you want to sell?
A: Cigarette
lighters. I’ll make a fortune.
B: But you hate
cigarettes and you hate smoking!
Still Working
A: A new hotel is
looking for workers.
B: Yes, I saw it
on the TV news.
A: They need 300
new workers.
B: And 4,000
people showed up.
A: So many people
are out of work.
B: I still have my
job, thank goodness.
A: So do I, but
I’m worried.
B: Me too. There
are no guarantees.
A: If you lose
your job, you can move in with me.
B: Oh, thank you.
That’s very nice of you.
A: You would do
the same for me.
B: Of course. What
are friends for?
All His Eggs in One Basket
A: I think I did
something real stupid.
B: What did you
do?
A: I bought some
stock.
B: Everybody buys
stock.
A: I bought it on
a hunch.
B: You didn't read
about the company first?
A: I didn't have
to. It's been in business for 60 years.
B: So what's the
problem?
A: I used all my
savings on this one company.
B: You put all
your eggs into one basket.
A: If the company
goes out of business, I'll have nothing.
B: Oh, you'll have
something—you'll have a lesson you'll never forget!
His Parents Are Disappointed
A:
I was going to be a doctor.B: What happened to your plans?
A: I got a D in college chemistry.
B: Well, a D is better than an F.
A: A tutor helped me get the D!
B: So, you didn't become a doctor.
A: And now I'm glad that I didn't.
B: Why's that?
A: A hospital is the most dangerous place in the world.
B: Oh, yes, because of all the killer germs.
A: If you're a smart doctor, you stay away from hospitals.
B: Yes, the smart doctors are those TV news doctors—no hospitals, no patients.
Nice Doggy
A:
I want to be a mail carrier when I grow up.B: Why? A: Because you get to meet a lot of people.
B: You sure do.
A: And you get a lot of exercise every day.
B: That’s the truth.
A: And you get to play with a lot of dogs.
B: Well, you’re supposed to be working.
A: Yes, but I will always pet the friendly dogs.
B: What about the unfriendly dogs?
A: I think if you are friendly to dogs, they are friendly to you.
B: Dogs are like people—not all of them are friendly.
Knock, Knock!
A:
I want to move to New York.B: To the state or the city?
A: To the city, of course.
B: Why do you want to move there?
A: Because I want to make a lot of money.
B: There are a lot of poor people in New York.
A: There sure are—at least a million.
B: So how do you plan to become rich?
A: I will knock on the doors of all the corporations.
B: That won’t make you rich. Nobody will talk to you.
A: I will keep knocking on doors.
B: All you will get is sore knuckles.
AT THE RESTAURANT
I Feel Like Chinese
A: Let’s go out to
eat.
B: That sounds
like fun.
A: Where do you
want to go?
B: Let me think a
minute.
A: I feel like
Chinese.
B: That sounds
delicious.
A: I know a good
Chinese restaurant.
B: How far away is
it?
A: It’s only 10
minutes from here.
B: Do we need
reservations?
A: Oh, no. We can
walk right in.
B: Let’s go now. I’m hungry!
A Slow Burger
A: I can’t believe
how long this line is.
B: This is a
popular restaurant, isn’t it?
A: Yes, but it
isn’t a fast-food restaurant, is it?
B: It’s the
slowest hamburger in town.
A: That’s because
they cook it while you wait.
B: Yes. That’s why
it’s also the best hamburger in town.
A: A great burger
and great service.
B: Yes, the
workers are very polite.
A: And they’re
clean.
B: I’ve been
coming here for years.
A: Me too.
B: Excuse me. They
just called my number.
A Good
Lunch
A: Lunch was
delicious.
B: Thank you.
A: What kind of
soup was that?
B: It was tomato
soup.
A: That tasted so
good.
B: I put lemon and
butter in it.
A: The sandwich
was good, too.
B: Everyone likes
bacon and tomato sandwiches.
A: Especially on
toast.
B: And the pickles
were great, too.
A: Tomorrow we’ll
have rice and fish for lunch.
B: I can’t wait.
A Bad
Steak
A: I’m calling the
waiter.
B: What’s the
matter?
A: This steak has
too much fat.
B: What do you
want the waiter to do?
A: Bring me a
better steak.
B: I wouldn’t do
that.
A: Why not?
B: They will drop
the new steak on the floor, step on it, and then spit on it.
A: You’re crazy.
B: Then the waiter
will give you a big smile as he brings you the new steak.
A: Where do you
get these crazy ideas?
B: I used to cook
in a restaurant!
Dirty
Nails
A: Let’s leave.
B: But we just got
here.
A: Did you see the
waiter’s hands?
B: No.
A: He had dirty
fingernails.
B: Really?
A: His nails were
black!
B: That’s
disgusting.
A: And he poured
water into our glasses.
B: Yuck! No water
for me.
A: I wonder if the
cooks’ nails are dirty, too.
B: Who cares? Let’s get out of here.
Fear of
Germs
A: Is this a clean
restaurant?
B: Well, the
tables and chairs look okay.
A: Okay, let’s sit
down.
B: Check out the
silverware.
A: It passes
inspection.
B: Here comes the
waiter. See if his hands and nails are clean.
A: Well, the
waiter looked clean, so I guess it’s okay to eat here.
B: You’re
forgetting about the bathroom.
A: I’m going to
just hope that the bathroom is clean.
B: You’re not
going to examine it before we order dinner?
A: No, I’d rather
not find out that it’s dirty, because I’m pretty hungry right now.
B: Me, too. Let’s forget about germs and focus on food.
Bad
Service
A: Have you seen
our waiter?
B: Here he comes
now.
A: We’ve been
sitting here for almost 10 minutes.
B: Oops, I guess I
was wrong. That isn’t our waiter.
A: We can give him
five more minutes, and then leave.
B: I’ll go up
front and talk to the manager.
A: That’s a good
idea.
B: Maybe they’ll
give us free drinks for waiting so long.
A: Maybe he’ll
send us our waiter immediately.
B: Every time we
eat out, it’s an adventure.
A: Last time, we
got seats next to the kitchen.
B: We’ll never go there again.
A Good
Table
A: Is this table
okay?
B: No, it’s too
close to the kitchen door.
A: How about this
table?
B: No, it’s too
close to the front door.
A: This looks like
a nice table.
B: No, it’s too
close to the salad bar.
A: Okay, I give
up.
B: Well, there is
one good table.
A: Great. Which
one?
B: That one. A
group of eight just sat down at it.
Do I Hear
$60,000?
A: I don't believe
the art world.
B: What is it this
time?
A: An Andy Warhol
drawing.
B: He's a famous
artist.
A: He drew two
butterflies and a flower on a napkin in a restaurant.
B: Did he sign it?
A: Yes.
B: Is it
beautiful?
A: It's just black
ink on a white napkin. And the napkin has food stains!
B: So it's not
worth much?
A: Only about
$30,000.
B: Without the
food stains, it would probably be worth more.
ABOUT CRIME
Too Much
Crime
A: Why is there so
much crime?
B: Because parents
don’t teach their kids right from wrong.
A: Is that it?
B: Also, there
aren’t enough police.
A: But there are a
lot of police.
B: There’s only
one police officer per 100 criminals.
A: Can’t we hire
more police?
B: No. It costs
too much money.
A: Doesn’t crime
cost more than police?
B: Yes, it does.
A: So it would be
cheaper to hire more police?
B: Yes, it would.
No One
Ever Leaves
A: This is a great
neighborhood.
B: Yes, it is.
A: People are
friendly.
B: Yes, they are.
A: The streets and
sidewalks are clean.
B: Yes, they are.
A: There’s a real
nice park nearby.
B: Yes, there is.
A: I feel safe
here.
B: There is no
crime here.
A: I wish I could
move here.
B: Maybe you can,
if someone moves out.
Fire and
Smoke
A: The house
burned down.
B: What happened?
A: The man fell
asleep.
B: Was he smoking?
A: Yes, he was
smoking a cigarette.
B: Did he die?
A: Yes, he did.
His cat died, too.
B: That’s too bad.
What about his smoke alarm?
A: The battery was
dead.
B: A good battery
would have saved his life.
A: He had
cigarettes, but no battery.
B: It happens all
the time.
Play with
Fire
A: They say he has
started fifteen big fires.
B: He’s been in
jail three times already.
A: Why did they
ever let him out?
B: It’s the law.
They can’t keep him in jail forever.
A: Why not?
Everyone knows he’s a firebug. He loves to start fires.
B: I don’t know.
Sometimes the law doesn’t make sense.
A: But his latest
fire killed someone.
B: This time they
have charged him with murder.
A: So maybe he’ll
go to jail forever?
B: I sure hope so.
A: Someone should
set him on fire.
B: That would
teach him a good lesson.
Fasten Your Seatbelt
A: Put your
seatbelt on.
B: Why?
A: Because it will
protect you in case of an accident.
B: But it’s
uncomfortable.
A: It’s the law.
B: It’s so much
trouble.
A: It’s common
sense.
B: It’s so tight that
it’s hard for me to breathe.
A: Hold your
breath till we get there.
B: Okay, my
seatbelt is on.
A: I’m glad you
don’t complain very much.
B: I’m ready for an accident.
Use the Stepladder
A: What are you
doing?
B: I’m going to
change the light bulb. It burnt out.
A: What are you
standing on?
B: A couple of
dictionaries and some textbooks.
A: Are you crazy?
B: What’s the
matter?
A: Those books
will slip and you’ll fall.
B: It’s only a
couple of feet.
A: What if you
fall while you’re holding the light bulb, and it breaks and pieces go into your
eyes?
B: I never thought
about that.
A: You’d be blind
for the rest of your life!
B: I’ll get the stepladder.
A Puddle on the Floor
A: Did you see
that puddle of water on the floor?
B: Yes. I called
for a clean-up.
A: A puddle of
water is very dangerous.
B: It isn’t easy
to see.
A: But it’s real
easy to slip on.
B: Especially on
these slick floors.
A: Someone who
slips could hurt their back.
B: They could even
crack their head open.
A: We should stand
here till the clean-up person gets here.
B: We can leave if
we put an orange cone here.
A: Yes, but I
don’t know where the orange cones are.
B: It doesn’t
matter. Here he comes now with the mop.
Double-Check Everything
A: I have to go
back upstairs.
B: Why? We’re
already late.
A: I have to check
the stove.
B: What’s the
matter?
A: Maybe I left
the burner on.
B: No, you didn’t.
I checked the stove before we left.
A: Are you sure?
B: Of course I’m
sure.
A: Well, I have to
go back upstairs anyway.
B: It’s getting
later every minute.
A: I think I left
the water running.
B: No, you didn’t.
Let’s go! The only thing running is the clock!
Guns for
All
A: The city is
buying guns.
B: What are they
paying?
A: Up to $200 for
each gun, no questions asked.
B: Why are they
doing this?
A: They want to
get guns off the street.
B: Who would turn
in a gun for $200?
A: That isn’t a
good deal?
B: A good gun
costs $400 or more.
A: Well, if you
bring your receipt, maybe they’ll give you $400.
B: I’ll keep my
receipt and my gun.
A: I didn’t know
you had a gun.
B: Everyone in America should
have a gun.
Crime Reduction
A: You're yawning.
B: I sure am.
A: You should go
to bed.
B: I will as soon
as I finish this article.
A: What are you
reading?
B: It's about
crime in Los Angeles.
A: What does it say?
B: The mayor says
the crime rate is going down.
A: Then why does
everyone lock their doors?
B: I guess they
haven't read this article.
A: No one believes
that the crime rate is going down.
B: Maybe the mayor
is just talking about his own neighborhood.
Two Different States
A: People who live
in California
are crazy.
B: Why is that?
A: Because of all
the earthquakes and fires.
B: But big
earthquakes happen only once in a while.
A: Once in a while is once too many.
B: But you’re right. There are a lot of fires.
A: A recent fire destroyed 85 homes.
B: Still, it’s safer than Florida.
A: Florida doesn’t have earthquakes or fires.
B: No, Florida just has hurricanes every year from June to October.
A: But most of those hurricanes are harmless.
B: Excuse me. Hurricane Andrew destroyed 30,000 homes!
A: Once in a while is once too many.
B: But you’re right. There are a lot of fires.
A: A recent fire destroyed 85 homes.
B: Still, it’s safer than Florida.
A: Florida doesn’t have earthquakes or fires.
B: No, Florida just has hurricanes every year from June to October.
A: But most of those hurricanes are harmless.
B: Excuse me. Hurricane Andrew destroyed 30,000 homes!
SCHOOLIFE
I Go to College
A: Do you go to
college?
B: Yes, I do.
A: What college do
you go to?
B: I go to Pasadena City College.
A: Do you like it?
B: Oh, yes, I
really like it.
A: Why do you like
it?
B: Because it has great
teachers.
A: What else?
B: I like all my
classmates, too.
A: Anything else?
B: Yes. It’s not
expensive!
A Lost Pen
A: I lost my new
pen.
B: Where did you
lose it?
A: I don’t know.
B: When did you
lose it?
A: I think I lost
it today. I used it yesterday.
B: Did you check
all your pockets?
A: I checked all
my pockets.
B: Did you look in
your desk?
A: Yes. It isn’t
there, either.
B: It’s probably
around somewhere.
A: Oh, well, it
only cost me a dollar.
B: Only a dollar?
Don’t even look for it.
Gravity for All
A: Gravity is very
important.
B: What is
gravity?
A: It’s the force
that pulls everything down.
B: I don’t
understand.
A: If you pour
water into a glass, the water goes down into the glass.
B: Of course it
does.
A: Without
gravity, the water would go up.
B: You’re joking.
A: Without
gravity, you would go up.
B: What do you
mean?
A: You would float
into the sky like a balloon.
B: That would be
fun!
New Glasses
A: I can’t read my
book.
B: Turn on the
light.
A: The light is
on.
B: Open the book.
A: The book is
open.
B: See an eye
doctor.
A: That’s what I
need to do.
B: He’ll give you
a prescription for glasses.
A: I’ll make an
appointment tomorrow.
B: I’ll get the
yellow pages for an eye doctor.
A: Read the phone
number to me.
B: I’ll read it
very loud, in case your hearing is getting bad, too.
School Items
A: What do you
need for school?
B: I need pencils.
A: Anything else?
B: I need a
notebook.
A: Do you need a
pen?
B: No. I already
have a pen.
A: Do you need a
calculator?
B: No. The teacher
doesn’t permit calculators.
A: How about a
dictionary?
B: No, we have a
big dictionary in the classroom.
A: Well, I guess
that’s it.
B: Yes, that’s all
I need for now.
A Good Magazine
A: I like this
magazine.
B: So do I.
A: I read it once,
and I subscribed.
B: It gives you
all the news.
A: All the news in
only 50 pages.
B: I like the
political cartoons.
A: I like the
beautiful photos of the houses for sale.
B: I always read
the film reviews.
A: I never miss
the food and drink section.
B: I gave a
subscription to my parents.
A: Me too. They
canceled their other news magazines.
B: So did mine!
Shake Your Pen
A: My pen is out
of ink.
B: Shake it a
couple of times.
A: I shook it.
There is no more ink.
B: You can borrow
mine.
A: Thank you. I’ll
buy a new one tomorrow.
B: What were you
doing?
A: I was writing a
letter.
B: Who were you
writing to?
A: It’s to my mom.
B: Tell her I said
hello.
A: Okay. I’ll
return your pen when I’m done.
B: Take your time.
Do Your Homework
A: Have you done
your homework?
B: Not yet.
A: Then why are
you watching TV?
B: This is my
favorite show.
A: Go do your
homework.
B: But, mom!
A: You can watch
TV after you do your homework.
B: But the show
will be over.
A: There will be
another show next week.
B: Please?
A: You know the
rules.
B: I hate the rules!
I can’t wait till I grow up.
The Soldier
A: I can’t wait
until I graduate.
B: Me too.
A: No more
homework.
B: I hate
homework.
A: Are you going
to college?
B: I can’t afford
it.
A: Me neither.
B: So what are you
going to do?
A: I’m joining the
army.
B: You’re kidding.
You might get killed.
A: I don’t think
so. After I finish, I’ll have enough money to go to college.
B: That’s not a bad idea.
The English Major
A: What is your
major?
B: English.
A: What are you
going to do with an English major?
B: I’m going to be
a teacher.
A: High school or
middle school?
B: High school.
A: I teach high
school English.
B: I didn’t know
that.
A: I started
teaching five years ago.
B: How do you like
it?
A: Do you see all
this gray hair? It was totally black five years ago.
B: Maybe I’ll teach middle school.
No Parking
A: Parking at
school is impossible.
B: I’ll say.
A: I drove around
for half an hour.
B: Did you find a
spot?
A: I found a spot,
but someone cut in and took it from
me.
B: Did you yell at
them?
A: Yes, I did.
B: And?
A: And he yelled
back at me.
B: How rude.
A: But I got lucky
a few minutes later.
B: You have to be
lucky to find a parking space.
Keep Your Eyes Open
A: This is a huge
library.
B: Yes, it has
lots of rooms and lots of space.
A: And lots of
books.
B: And lots of
thieves.
A: What do you
mean?
B: I mean, keep
your belongings close to you.
A: The only thing
in my backpack is used books.
B: But thieves
don’t know that.
A: They might
think that I’ve got an iPod or laptop in there.
B: Now you’re
thinking.
A: You’d think a
library would be safe from thieves.
B: Not even a church is safe from thieves.
Two plus Two
A: How good is
your math?
B: I can add two
and two.
A: So you’re not
very good at math?
B: I’m terrible at
math.
A: Well, I need
some help.
B: With what?
A: I’m taking a
math course in school.
B: Well, you
should ask your teacher or your classmates for help.
A: I can’t do
that.
B: Why not?
A: They might
think I’m stupid.
B: They’re not
going to think that! They’ll be glad to help you.
Prayers
A: Do you believe
in God?
B: Of course.
A: Do you pray to
God?
B: Occasionally.
A: When’s that?
B: When I need
something.
A: Like what?
B: Well, if I have
a big test at school.
A: Does God answer
your prayers?
B: Yes, I’ve
passed all my tests.
A: Do you ever pray
for money?
B: Not yet. I
won’t need to do that until I graduate from high school.
Hit and Run
A: The cops
finally found the husband.
B: What husband?
A: The husband of
the driver who ran over two college students at 3 a.m.
B: Oh, yeah. The
girl died instantly, and the boy is still in the hospital.
A: The husband
said he tried to help the boy.
B: Yes, he pushed
him off the hood of the car.
A: No, he said he
gently placed the boy on the street.
B: So what? They
still drove off.
A: The husband
said a fire department was nearby.
B: So what? Did he
dial 911?
A: He said he was
thinking about it, but he didn't get around to it.
B: He didn't get around to turning himself in, either.
SPORT
Take Me to the Ball Game
A: Can we go to
the baseball game?
B: Of course.
A: I love
baseball.
B: So do I.
A: I love to eat
the peanuts.
B: I love to eat
the hot dogs.
A: I hope we’ll
see a home run.
B: I hope we’ll
catch a foul ball.
A: Bring a jacket.
B: Yes. It gets a
little cool at night.
A: Bring a glove
to catch a foul ball.
B: No. I’ll just
use my cap to catch a foul ball.
Golf Is Silly
A: Golf is a silly
game.
B: It certainly
is.
A: You hit a white
ball.
B: And then you
chase it.
A: And then you
hit it again.
B: Finally, you
put the ball into a hole in the ground.
A: You do these 18
times, because there are 18 holes.
B: What’s the
point?
A: How can it be
fun?
B: They pay money
to play this silly game!
A: I think golfers
have a mental problem.
B: I think they’re
nuts.
Fresh Fish
A: Do you want to
go fishing?
B: Yes. That’s a good
idea.
A: Where do you
want to go?
B: We can go to
the river.
A: Or we can go to
the lake.
B: Or we can go to
the ocean.
A: Let’s go to the
lake.
B: Yes. The lake
is only 10 miles away.
A: We can be there
in 20 minutes.
B: I’ll get our
fishing rods.
A: I’ll get the
bait.
B: We’ll have
fresh fish for dinner!
I Love Baseball
A: Baseball is
fun.
B: I like to hit
the ball.
A: I like to run
around the bases.
B: I like to slide
into the bases.
A: Yeah. It’s a
lot of fun to slide.
B: I want to be a
baseball player when I grow up.
A: Me too. I want
to play for the Yankees.
B: Not me. I want
to play for the Dodgers.
A: We have to
practice every day.
B: I don’t like
practice.
A: Me neither.
It’s boring.
B: But practice
makes perfect.
I’m Worried about Tiger
A: Tiger is the
greatest golfer in the world.
B: You can say
that again.
A: But I’m worried
about Tiger.
B: Why is that?
A: Because he
likes to SCUBA dive.
B: What’s wrong
with that?
A: It can be
dangerous.
B: You mean he
could drown.
A: He shouldn’t
SCUBA dive until he retires.
B: But he dives to
relax.
A: He might relax,
but it makes me nervous.
B: If his wife
doesn’t mind, you shouldn’t mind.
Babe Ruth
A: Who’s the
greatest baseball player?
B: There are so
many great players.
A: Yes, but who is
the greatest?
B: I’d have to say
Babe Ruth.
A: Most people
would say that.
B: He changed the
game.
A: Yes, he made
the home run popular.
B: Everybody loved
him, all over the nation.
A: He helped make
the Yankees the best team ever.
B: And Ruth was a
good person, too.
A: He always
visited hospitals to cheer up sick kids.
B: There will never be another Babe.
ABOUT TRANSPORTATION
What Will People Think?
A: I don’t like
riding the bus.
B: Why not?
A: The seats and
windows are dirty.
B: Don’t they
clean the bus every night?
A: I think they
do.
B: You should
bring some wipes with you.
A: That’s a good
idea.
B: Then you can
wipe your seat and window.
A: People will
think I’m strange.
B: Who cares?
Everyone is strange.
A: That’s for
sure.
B: Don’t worry
about what people think.
Don’t Ride the Bus
A: I don’t like
riding the bus.
B: Why not?
A: Number one,
it’s too slow.
B: You’re right. A
car is faster.
A: Number two,
it’s usually late.
B: You’re right.
The buses are never on time.
A: Number three,
it doesn’t run 24 hours.
B: You’re right.
Buses don’t run late at night.
A: Number four,
it’s too crowded.
B: You’re right.
You have to stand in the aisle.
A: Number five,
it’s unsafe.
B: You’re right.
Bad guys might rob you.
Don’t Cut the Tires
A: We had a
problem at school.
B: What was the
problem?
A: Someone cut the
tires.
B: What tires?
A: The tires on
the cars.
B: Where were the
cars?
A: They were in
the student parking lot.
B: How many tires
were cut?
A: One or two
tires were cut on each car.
B: How many cars?
A: Eleven cars.
B: That’s
terrible. I hope they catch the person.
The Crosswalk
A: Life isn’t
fair.
B: It sure isn’t.
A: I got a ticket
yesterday.
B: What for?
A: I was crossing
the street.
B: Were you in a
crosswalk?
A: Yes, but the
red hand was blinking.
B: So? That’s a
ticket?
A: Yes, it’s a
$140 ticket.
B: That’s not
right!
A: When I started
to cross the street, the white walk sign was blinking.
B: You need to walk faster.
It’s Okay to Speed
A: You’re driving
too fast.
B: Why do you say
that?
A: The speed limit
is 65.
B: I know that.
A: But you’re
doing 75.
B: So is everyone
else.
A: But a cop might
stop you.
B: No, he won’t.
Some cars are doing 85.
A: So the cop will
stop those cars?
B: Of course. He
stops the fastest cars.
A: My friend got a
ticket for doing 75.
B: Your friend was
unlucky.
Check Your Tires
A: Remember to put
air in your tires.
B: How often do I
have to do that?
A: Once every two
months.
B: That’s a lot.
A: What do you
mean?
B: That’s six
times a year!
A: Yes, and it
takes about five minutes each time.
B: I’ll try.
A: Check your
tires or you’ll get a flat.
B: Oh. That’s not
good.
A: No, it isn’t. A
flat costs you time and money.
B: And I don’t have either.
Don’t Be in a Hurry
A: You’re driving
too fast.
B: I’m in a hurry.
A: Don’t ever be
in a hurry.
B: It’s not my
fault. You didn’t wake me up.
A: That’s not my
fault. You didn’t tell me to wake you up.
B: Well, I meant
to.
A: Don’t ever be
in a hurry when you’re driving.
B: Why not?
A: Because you’ll
have an accident. Most accidents are because people are in a hurry.
B: How do you know
that?
A: I read a lot.
B: I thought
drunks caused most accidents.
A New Car
A: Let’s go for a
ride.
B: Where are we
going?
A: Into the
mountains.
B: That sounds
nice.
A: I want to show
you my new car.
B: You bought a
new car?
A: Yes. I bought a
Cadillac.
B: A luxury car.
A: Luxury plus
speed.
B: What are we
waiting for?
A: Let me get the
keys.
B: Let me get my
camera.
I’m Going to Explode
A: I have to go to
the bathroom.
B: Why didn’t you
go before we left?
A: I did, but I
have to go again.
B: Well, hold on a
little longer.
A: I think I’m
going to explode.
B: Just hold on.
A: Oh! Don’t hit
any more bumps!
B: We’ll be at
McDonald’s in just a few minutes.
A: I hope they are
fast minutes.
B: Think about
something else. Think about a hamburger.
A: I’m thinking,
but I still have to go.
B: It’s the next
exit. Hold on!
The Missing Car
A: Where’s the
car?
B: What do you
mean?
A: The car isn’t
here.
B: Where did you
park it?
A: I parked it
right here.
B: Are you sure?
A: Yes. I remember
this big tree.
B: Maybe it’s the
wrong tree.
A: No, this is the
tree.
B: Did someone
steal it?
A: I sure hope
not.
B: Maybe they
towed it away.
Too Many Cars
A: Look at this
traffic.
B: I’d rather not.
A: It gets worse
every year.
B: Why are you
complaining? We’re going almost 20 miles an hour.
A: The speed limit
is 65!
B: Well, that’s
between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
A: Where are all
these people going?
B: They’re all
asking the same question.
A: When are they
going to fix this problem?
B: They said they
need more money.
A: They always
need more money.
B: It’ll get worse
before it gets better.
Don’t Call the Police
A: Did you see
that car?
B: Yes, he went
through the red light.
A: Can we call the
police?
B: No, the police
don’t care.
A: Why not?
B: They have to
see it happen.
A: They don’t
believe us?
B: No. They can only
give a ticket if they see it
happen.
A: So, what do we
do?
B: We don’t do
anything.
A: Maybe we should
honk the horn next time.
B: The driver will just honk back at us.
Wash the
Car
A: My car is
dirty.
B: Why don’t you
wash it?
A: That’s what I’m
going to do.
B: Are you going
to wash it yourself?
A: Of course. It’s
not a hard job.
B: I’ll help you.
A: Okay, I’ll get
a bucket.
B: I’ll rinse the
car first.
A: Then we can
scrub it with a wet sponge and soap.
B: After that, we
can dry it with a towel.
A: Then it will
look like new
B: And you save $10.
Windy
Weather
A: It sure is
windy today.
B: Paper is flying
everywhere.
A: This wind is
dangerous for drivers.
B: Especially for
drivers of big trucks.
A: The wind blows
those trucks over.
B: It blows trees
over, too.
A: A tree fell
onto my dad’s car.
B: Was there much
damage?
A: My dad had to
buy a new car.
B: Wow! That’s
terrible.
A: Never park your
car under a tree.
B: The wind will
get you, or the birds will get you.
Two Birds
with One Stone
A: When are we
going to stop?
B: We’ll stop at
the next McDonald’s.
A: How far away is
that?
B: I think we’ll
be there in half an hour.
A: I hope so. I
have to go to the bathroom.
B: Well, I can
always pull over.
A: No, thank you,
I’ll just wait.
B: We can kill two
birds with one stone.
A: What do you
mean?
B: While you’re
using the bathroom, I’ll order some food.
A: Don’t order for
me. I’m not hungry.
B: I’m very
hungry. I’ll order for you, and then I’ll eat yours.
Beat the
Light
A: This is such a
long light.
B: Look how many
cars are waiting in line.
A: They need a
left-turn arrow.
B: Only two cars
can make a left turn every three or four minutes.
A: We’ll be here
forever.
B: Get out of this
lane.
A: But we need to
turn left.
B: Forget it. Go
straight.
A: Then what?
B: Then we’ll just
make a U-turn.
A: And then we can
turn right at the light.
B: Good idea. It will be so much quicker.
A Dream
Car
A: I need a cheap
car.
B: How much money
do you have?
A: $1,000.
B: Well, that
should get you something.
A: But I need
something that’s reliable.
B: You need a car
with low mileage.
A: A car that was
owned by a little old lady.
B: Where have you
looked?
A: I haven’t
looked anywhere yet.
B: Why not?
A: Because I’ll
never find one for such a low price.
B: You’re right about that. Keep saving your money.
A Bad
Driver
A: Good afternoon,
officer.
B: Your driver’s
license and registration, please.
A: Here you go.
B: Do you know why
I pulled you over?
A: I have no idea.
All of a sudden I heard your siren.
B: You rolled
through that stop sign back there.
A: But I stopped!
B: No, you didn’t.
You slowed down, but you didn’t come to a full stop.
A: Well, nobody
else does, so why should I?
B: That’s not the
attitude of a good driver.
A: But I am a good
driver. I’ve never had a ticket in my life.
B: Well, you’ve got one now. Here. Have a nice day.
A Slow Walker
A: $140. I can't
believe it.
B: What are you
talking about?
A: I got a ticket
downtown for $140.
B: Were you
speeding?
A: No, I was
crossing the street.
B: Were you
jaywalking?
A: No, I was in
the crosswalk.
B: So why did you
get a ticket?
A: The officer
said the red hand was blinking.
B: Was it blinking
when you entered the crosswalk?
A: No, the white
WALK sign was blinking.
B: You should
fight that ticket. I’ll be your witness.
Beware the
Carts
A: What happened to your car?
B: I got a dent in the parking lot.
A: How did you get it?
B: I don’t know. Maybe it was from a shopping cart.
A: Those shopping carts are dangerous.
B: Especially the metal ones.
A: I don’t park at a store that uses metal shopping carts.
B: That’s a good idea, but there was a good sale at this store.
A: Did you save any money on the sale?
B: Yes, I did. I saved about $50.
A: That’s great.
B: Yes, except this dent will cost about $150.
B: I got a dent in the parking lot.
A: How did you get it?
B: I don’t know. Maybe it was from a shopping cart.
A: Those shopping carts are dangerous.
B: Especially the metal ones.
A: I don’t park at a store that uses metal shopping carts.
B: That’s a good idea, but there was a good sale at this store.
A: Did you save any money on the sale?
B: Yes, I did. I saved about $50.
A: That’s great.
B: Yes, except this dent will cost about $150.
ABOUT
TRAVEL
Beautiful Hawaii
A: I went to Hawaii on vacation.
B: Did you like
it?
A: I loved it. I
want to live there.
B: What did you
like?
A: The Island is so green, and the water is so blue.
B: Did you go
swimming?
A: I went to the
beach every day.
B: How was the
weather?
A: It was hot and
sunny every day.
B: What did you do
at night?
A: At night I went
out to eat. The food was delicious.
B: People who live in Hawaii
are lucky.
A Real
Meal
A: I like this
hotel.
B: What do you
like about it?
A: We get a free
breakfast.
B: Coffee and a
roll?
A: No, a real
breakfast.
B: Bacon and eggs?
A: With toast,
ham, sausage, fresh fruit, and juice.
B: Wow! That is
nice. Let’s stay for two nights.
A: And the rooms
are clean, too.
B: Do they allow
pets?
A: No pets, no
smoking.
B: I like that.
Let’s stay three nights.
New Sheets
A: I’m not
sleeping here tonight.
B: What’s the
matter? This is a nice room.
A: Maybe the room
is nice, but not the bed.
B: What’s wrong
with the bed?
A: Look at this
sheet.
B: Yes?
A: See those
stains?
B: I sure do.
A: I’m not
sleeping on that sheet.
B: Well, just call
the front desk. They’ll give us new sheets.
A: I want sheets
without stains on them.
B: From now on,
let’s bring our own sheets.
The
Airport
A: What time does
your plane leave?
B: It leaves at
12:15.
A: When do you
have to be at the airport?
B: I have to be
there two hours early.
A: So we have to
be at the airport at 10:15.
B: That means we
have to leave the house at 9:15.
A: Well, it’s an
hour to get there, if there are no traffic problems.
B: So maybe we
better leave at 8:15?
A: Yes, it’s
better to get there too early than too late.
B: I agree.
A: You never know
what might happen on these freeways.
B: There’s at least one huge accident every day.
A Christmas
Flight
A: I need to fly
to New York.
B: When are you
going?
A: During the
Christmas holidays.
B: You’d better
buy your ticket now.
A: You must be
kidding.
B: No, I’m not.
It’s March. Time is running out. Seats are selling out right now.
A: I thought I
would wait until October.
B: I’ll bet this
is the first time you’ve ever flown during Christmas.
A: You’re right.
B: Well, listen to
me. You need to buy a ticket now.
A: But maybe
prices will be cheaper in October.
B: Cheaper prices
won’t do you any good if there are no seats.
Fear of
Flying
A: I hate flying.
B: So do I.
A: A long time
ago, flying used to be okay.
B: Now it’s like
riding a bus.
A: You’re jammed
in with people all around you.
B: Half of them
are coughing, and the other half are sneezing.
A: You don’t have
any elbow room or knee room.
B: People are
always getting up to use the bathroom.
A: Kids are crying
or climbing over you.
B: It’s a flying
zoo!
A: I wish I could
afford first class seats.
B: Doesn’t everybody?
Row Your
Boat
A: Some guy rowed
across the Atlantic Ocean.
B: Good for him.
A: Why would he do
that?
B: Did he set a
new record?
A: Yes, I think he
did.
B: Well, I guess
that’s why he did it.
A: What’s the
point?
B: Now he has the
world record!
A: But someone’s
going to break it, so what good is it?
B: Well, he can
enjoy it while it lasts.
A: I don’t think
he even got paid for it.
B: Some people do it just to do it.
A Cruise
A: I want to go on
a cruise ship.
B: That sounds
like fun. Where do you want to go?
A: I want to cruise
to Hawaii.
B: That should be
a nice trip. Lots of fun, and lots of food.
A: I have no idea
how much it will cost.
B: I think it
depends on the season and on your cabin.
A: Well, of course
I want to go when the weather is nice.
B: Yes, you don’t
want to travel in winter storms.
A: And I want to
get a big cabin with a view.
B: Are you going
to travel alone?
A: No, my sister
and I will travel together.
B: Well, you
should go online and try to find a good deal.
Prepare
for Takeoff
A: I hate to fly.
B: Because of all
the security?
A: No, because it
hurts my ears.
B: What do you
mean?
A: Every time we
land or take off, my ears hurt so much.
B: That’s just the
altitude change, I think.
A: Whatever it is,
it hurts.
B: Can’t you take
medicine or something for it?
A: I’ve tried
everything, but nothing works.
B: Have you tried
earplugs?
A: They don’t
work, either.
B: Well, be glad
you’re not a pilot.
The Grand Canyon
A: Spring break
starts tomorrow.
B: Are you going
to go anywhere?
A: I was thinking
of driving to Arizona.
B: To the Grand Canyon?
A: Yes. I've never
been there.
B: I was there
when I was a kid.
A: How did you
like it?
B: I loved it. I
still remember how amazing it was.
A: I'm sure I'll
like it, too.
B: You should try
riding a mule on a trail to the bottom.
A: No way! I don't
want to fall to my death.
B: Don't worry.
Only one person has ever fallen off a mule.
Hotel Hell
A: That hotel was
terrible.
B: The worst in
the whole world.
A: The walls were
so thin.
B: All day long we
heard TVs or telephones.
A: All night long
we heard people snoring.
B: Housekeeping
didn't give us fresh towels.
A: Room service
brought us a cold dinner.
B: Our nonsmoking
room stunk of cigarette smoke.
A: Our room was
right next to the elevator and the ice machine.
B: They added
phony charges to our bill.
A: How did we end
up in that terrible hotel?
B: The travel
agent gave us a 50-percent discount!
A Long Day
A: I have to hang up. I’m so sleepy.
B: It’s not even 10 o’clock.
A: I’m falling asleep on the phone.
B: You got up real early.
A: I had to take my friend to the airport.
B: Why didn’t you take a nap when you got home?
A: I didn’t get home until 30 minutes ago.
B: Why is that?
A: There was a bomb threat at the airport.
B: Only a threat?
A: Yes, but I was stuck there all day while they looked for the bomb.
B: Someday the bomb is going to be for real.
A: I’m falling asleep on the phone.
B: You got up real early.
A: I had to take my friend to the airport.
B: Why didn’t you take a nap when you got home?
A: I didn’t get home until 30 minutes ago.
B: Why is that?
A: There was a bomb threat at the airport.
B: Only a threat?
A: Yes, but I was stuck there all day while they looked for the bomb.
B: Someday the bomb is going to be for real.
A Free
Trip
A: My dad went to Washington, D.C.
B: Why did he do that?
A: He was invited, along with about 90 other veterans.
B: Who invited them?
A: Some private organization.
B: Why did they invite him?
A: To thank him and all the other soldiers who served in World War II.
B: That’s very nice.
A: My dad got to see the beautiful new World War II Monument.
B: That trip must have cost a lot of money.
A: He said all the money came from private donations.
B: Why did he do that?
A: He was invited, along with about 90 other veterans.
B: Who invited them?
A: Some private organization.
B: Why did they invite him?
A: To thank him and all the other soldiers who served in World War II.
B: That’s very nice.
A: My dad got to see the beautiful new World War II Monument.
B: That trip must have cost a lot of money.
A: He said all the money came from private donations.
Serving
Your Country
A: That was a great trip to Washington, D.C.
B: Tell me about it, Dad.
A: About 90 of us World War II veterans got on the plane at 8 a.m.
B: How long was the flight?
A: It only took about two hours.
B: Did you take pictures at the World War II Monument?
A: Oh, yes. We all took lots of pictures.
B: Then you flew back home that evening?
A: Yes. When we landed, TV reporters and the Army band were there.
B: That must have made you feel really special.
A: Oh, it did. There were about 300 people there to honor us.
B: Well, you all deserve it. You helped save our country.
B: Tell me about it, Dad.
A: About 90 of us World War II veterans got on the plane at 8 a.m.
B: How long was the flight?
A: It only took about two hours.
B: Did you take pictures at the World War II Monument?
A: Oh, yes. We all took lots of pictures.
B: Then you flew back home that evening?
A: Yes. When we landed, TV reporters and the Army band were there.
B: That must have made you feel really special.
A: Oh, it did. There were about 300 people there to honor us.
B: Well, you all deserve it. You helped save our country.
About Food
A Good
Salad
A: I love salads.
B: Me too.
A: I usually eat a
simple salad.
B: What do you put
in it?
A: Just lettuce,
tomato, and celery.
B: That’s it?
A: I add some
pepper and salt.
B: I always put
cheese in my salads.
A: Yes, cheese is
nice.
B: What kind of
dressing do you use?
A: I pour lots of
French dressing on top.
B: Me too. French
dressing is so delicious! Who cares about calories?
We Get
Cheese from Cows
A: I love cheese.
B: Me too.
A: Where does
cheese come from?
B: It comes from
cows.
A: So we get
cheese from cows, and we get milk, too?
B: Yes, we do.
A: What else do we
get from cows?
B: We get
hamburgers and steak.
A: Oh, that’s so
delicious.
B: We also get
leather.
A: We get a lot of
things from cows, don’t we?
B: Yes. A cow is man’s best friend.
I Used to
Work in a Deli
A: I used to work
in a deli.
B: How did you
like it?
A: I loved it!
B: Did you get
free food?
A: I ate free
cheese and meat every day.
B: That sounds
like a great job.
A: Whatever a
customer ordered, I sliced off a little more for me.
B: Did you get
fat?
A: No, but I did
put on a few pounds.
B: That sounds
like a dream job.
A: It was, until
one day my manager caught me.
B: No more free cheese for you, huh?
A New Diet
A: I’m on a new diet.
B: What are you eating now?
A: I switched from pasta to potatoes.
B: Why did you do that?
A: Pasta is processed food. Potatoes are natural food.
B: Natural food has more vitamins.
A: And it’s just as easy to prepare.
B: How do you prepare the potatoes?
A: I wash them, and then steam them for 15 minutes.
B: That’s pretty simple.
A: Then I add butter, salt, and pepper.
B: Can I have all those cans of tomato sauce you bought for your pasta?
B: What are you eating now?
A: I switched from pasta to potatoes.
B: Why did you do that?
A: Pasta is processed food. Potatoes are natural food.
B: Natural food has more vitamins.
A: And it’s just as easy to prepare.
B: How do you prepare the potatoes?
A: I wash them, and then steam them for 15 minutes.
B: That’s pretty simple.
A: Then I add butter, salt, and pepper.
B: Can I have all those cans of tomato sauce you bought for your pasta?
Same Old
Diet
A: I eat the same
thing every day.
B: You’re kidding.
A: No, I’m
serious.
B: Doesn’t that
get old?
A: No, because I’m
eating food that I like.
B: But the same
thing day after day gets old.
A: Well, I guess
if it ever does get old, I’ll change to something different.
B: Do you eat
fruits and vegetables every day?
A: No, I hate
vegetables.
B: But you eat
fruits.
A: I eat two
apples, one banana, and one orange every day.
B: Well, there’s nothing wrong with that.
A Pink Orange
A: There’s
something wrong with my orange.
B: What’s wrong?
A: It’s not
orange!
B: Your orange
isn’t orange?
A: No, it’s dark
pink!
B: Are you sure? I
never heard of such a thing.
A: I just peeled
it, and I’m looking at it right now.
B: Let me see.
Yes, you’re right. Your orange is pink.
A: Who ever heard
of such a thing?
B: Oh, look.
Here’s the little sticker that was on it. It’s called a Pink Navel.
A: What is this
world coming to?
B: Who knows?
Maybe soon we’ll have pink bananas.
Roasted or
Boiled
A: I love peanuts.
B: Me, too. I love
them roasted and salted.
A: I love boiled
peanuts.
B: Boiled? I never
heard of that.
A: Just boil raw
peanuts in salt water until the shells are soft.
B: I’ll have to
try them sometime.
A: They’re best
when they’re hot.
B: My brother is
allergic to peanuts.
A: That’s not
good.
B: No, it isn’t.
He almost died when he was little.
A: I guess he has
to be very careful about what he eats.
B: He has a very strict diet.
A Pound a
Week
A: I’m gaining
weight.
B: How much have
you gained?
A: Three pounds
just this month.
B: Do you know
why?
A: I think it’s
the ice cream.
B: You started
eating ice cream?
A: It was on sale.
B: How much did
you buy?
A: I filled up my
freezer with ice cream.
B: Well, it won’t
last forever.
A: No, I figure
I’ll finish it all by next week.
B: Then you can
start losing weight, if there isn’t another sale.
No More
for Me
A: I'm stuffed.
B: Of course you
are. You ate everything on the table.
A: I don't like to
eat leftovers.
B: I'm glad to
hear there's something you don't like to eat.
A: I like my food
hot and fresh.
B: You like to see
it disappear.
A: I don't like it
reheated.
B: Well, you'll
have hot fresh food tomorrow night.
A: I'm so full I'm
going to burst.
B: You should
loosen your belt.
A: I already loosened
my belt and unbuttoned my
pants.
B: Well, don't
stand up, please.
Don’t Be
Lazy
A: I saw what you did.
B: I didn’t do anything.
A: Oh yes, you did.
B: What are you talking about?
A: You know what I’m talking about.
B: I don’t have any idea.
A: You know what you did.
B: Maybe I know, but how could you know?
A: Because I was watching you.
B: Okay, I’m sorry I did it.
A: Don’t drink milk out of the carton. Use a glass!
B: I promise I’ll never drink out of the carton again.
B: I didn’t do anything.
A: Oh yes, you did.
B: What are you talking about?
A: You know what I’m talking about.
B: I don’t have any idea.
A: You know what you did.
B: Maybe I know, but how could you know?
A: Because I was watching you.
B: Okay, I’m sorry I did it.
A: Don’t drink milk out of the carton. Use a glass!
B: I promise I’ll never drink out of the carton again.
A New Diet
A: I’m on a new diet.
B: What are you eating now?
A: I switched from pasta to potatoes.
B: Why did you do that?
A: Pasta is processed food. Potatoes are natural food.
B: Natural food has more vitamins.
A: And it’s just as easy to prepare.
B: How do you prepare the potatoes?
A: I wash them, and then steam them for 15 minutes.
B: That’s pretty simple.
A: Then I add butter, salt, and pepper.
B: Can I have all those cans of tomato sauce you bought for your pasta?
B: What are you eating now?
A: I switched from pasta to potatoes.
B: Why did you do that?
A: Pasta is processed food. Potatoes are natural food.
B: Natural food has more vitamins.
A: And it’s just as easy to prepare.
B: How do you prepare the potatoes?
A: I wash them, and then steam them for 15 minutes.
B: That’s pretty simple.
A: Then I add butter, salt, and pepper.
B: Can I have all those cans of tomato sauce you bought for your pasta?
HOUSING
A New
House
A: I really like
this house.
B: Can we afford
it?
A: They want 20
percent down.
B: That’s a lot of
money.
A: But the house
is so nice.
B: It’s in a great
neighborhood.
A: It’s close to
the beach.
B: It’s close to
the freeways.
A: It’s got a big
yard.
B: The kids love
the house, too.
A: If we don’t buy
it, someone else will.
B: You’re right.
Let’s buy it now. We can worry later.
We Can't Afford This House
A: We can’t afford
this house.
B: Are you sure?
A: We will be
house rich, but cash poor.
B: What do you
mean?
A: Our monthly
payments will be too high.
B: We won’t have
any money for other things?
A: No, we won’t
have money for gas or food.
B: We’ll be eating
peanut butter sandwiches?
A: Without the
peanut butter!
B: That’s no good!
A: We have to find
a cheaper house.
B: Of course. We
can’t live without gas or peanut butter.
On the Corner
A: That is a
beautiful house.
B: I don’t like
it.
A: What’s the
matter with it?
B: It’s on the
corner.
A: So?
B: That means it
gets twice as much traffic.
A: You’re right.
B: When you’re
inside, you will always hear cars stopping and stopping at the intersection.
A: Or you’ll hear
the collision if someone doesn’t stop.
B: Or you’ll see
the collision if they crash into the house.
A: Let’s find a
house that’s at the end of a dead end.
B: That’s perfect.
The less traffic, the better.
A Great Apartment
A: I hate looking
for an apartment.
B: Me, too.
A: We have a 2
o’clock appointment to see the one on Main
Street.
B: We’d better get
ready to go.
A: It’s an
upstairs unit.
B: That’s good,
because I don’t want to live under people with loud feet.
A: And it’s a
corner unit.
B: That’s great.
We won’t have neighbors on both sides of us.
A: No pets are
allowed.
B: Perfect. We
don’t have to listen to barking dogs.
A: And there are
only six units in the whole building.
B: Where’s the
checkbook? I’m ready to rent it without even seeing it.
Fix the Doorbell
A: Did you call
the manager?
B: Yes. He said
he’d come over tomorrow.
A: Did he say what
time?
B: Yes. He said
he’d be here at 9 o’clock.
A: Did he
understand what the problem is?
B: Yes. I told him
our doorbell doesn’t work.
A: It shouldn’t
take him long to fix it.
B: I don’t even
know why we need to fix it.
A: In case we have
visitors.
B: But they can
just knock on the door.
A: Actually, I
want him to look at our carpet, too.
B: Yes, it would
be nice if he’d give us a new carpet.
Almost
Perfect
A: Do you like
this house?
B: Yes, it’s
beautiful.
A: It’s perfect
for us and the kids.
B: Three bedrooms,
three bathrooms, and a big back yard.
A: And we can
afford it!
B: So are we going
to buy it?
A: I’m afraid not.
B: It’s too far
from your job, isn’t it?
A: I can’t spend
four hours on the road every day.
B: By the time you
get home, you’ll be too tired to even eat.
A: I won’t be able
to play with the kids.
B: No, we have to
find something closer to your job.
Almost
Perfect
A: Boy, it’s
chilly outside, isn’t it?
B: It sure is
A: In fact, it’s
chilly in the apartment, too.
B: Let’s turn on
the heat.
A: I’ll check to
make sure that all the windows are shut.
B: It should be
warmer in a few minutes.
A: It’s so nice to
have a heated apartment.
B: How did they
survive in the old days?
A: They had
fireplaces.
B: Someone had to
chop the wood.
A: And carry it
into the house.
B: All we have to
do is flip a switch.
Sell Now
A: This is a nice
neighborhood.
B: The streets are
clean and quiet.
A: The neighbors
don’t party on the weekends.
B: People take
care of their lawns.
A: No rusty old
cars are sitting in the front yards.
B: We never have
to call the police about anything.
A: Our kids are
completely safe.
B: So why are we
selling our house?
A: They’re
building a 3-story apartment building on the corner.
B: So we’ve got to
sell before property values go down?
A: Yes. I still
can’t believe our city council allowed this building.
B: They’re probably getting something under the table.
Who Cares?
A: That was a huge fire in Santa
Barbara.
B: Yes, it was.
A: They said about 30 houses burned to the ground.
B: And they were expensive houses.
A: I feel so sorry for those people.
B: Why feel sorry for rich people?
A: I feel sorry for anyone who loses their home.
B: So do I, but not if they’re rich.
A: What does that have to do with it?
B: Rich people think they’re better than us.
A: How many rich people do you know?
B: None.
B: Yes, it was.
A: They said about 30 houses burned to the ground.
B: And they were expensive houses.
A: I feel so sorry for those people.
B: Why feel sorry for rich people?
A: I feel sorry for anyone who loses their home.
B: So do I, but not if they’re rich.
A: What does that have to do with it?
B: Rich people think they’re better than us.
A: How many rich people do you know?
B: None.
Hungry
Bears
A: Bears are
invading our neighborhoods.
B: Of course they are. They’re starving to death.
A: They should stay in the woods where they belong.
B: There’s no food in the woods.
A: Can’t they eat grass?
B: Do you think a bear is a cow?
A: Well, I’ve seen them eating berries.
B: Berries aren’t in season all year round.
A: It’s too dangerous for kids and pets.
B: People need to cover their trash cans.
A: The police need to shoot all the bears.
B: You don’t solve a problem by shooting it.
B: Of course they are. They’re starving to death.
A: They should stay in the woods where they belong.
B: There’s no food in the woods.
A: Can’t they eat grass?
B: Do you think a bear is a cow?
A: Well, I’ve seen them eating berries.
B: Berries aren’t in season all year round.
A: It’s too dangerous for kids and pets.
B: People need to cover their trash cans.
A: The police need to shoot all the bears.
B: You don’t solve a problem by shooting it.
SHOPPING
I Like
That Shirt
A: I like that shirt.
B: So do I.
A: How much is it?
B: I don’t know.
The tag is missing.
A: Ask the clerk.
B: I will.
A: Oh, look.
Here’s another shirt just like it.
B: Does it have a
price tag?
A: Yes, it does.
It’s only $20.
B: That’s a great
price.
A: I think I’ll buy
both of them.
B: You’d better
try them on first.
Pants That
Fit
A: I bought you a
pair of pants.
B: Thank you.
A: I hope they
fit.
B: I hope you kept
the receipt.
A: You think they
won’t fit?
B: I think I’ve
put on some weight.
A: You think?
B: Maybe a pound
or two.
A: Maybe four or
five pounds?
B: My waist is
bigger than it was.
A: No problem.
These pants have an elastic waistband.
B: You are so smart!
The
Shopping List
A: What do we need
to buy?
B: Let me look at
our list.
A: I know that we
need milk.
B: Nonfat.
A: Of course. What
else?
B: We need cheese,
bread, and ham.
A: What kind of
cheese?
B: Swiss.
A: Of course, the
cheese with holes in it.
B: I never used to
buy Swiss cheese.
A: Why not?
B: I didn’t want
to pay for the holes.
Poor
Pockets
A: I need some
pants.
B: I thought you
just bought a pair.
A: I did.
B: What’s wrong
with them so soon?
A: The pants are
fine, but the pocket has a huge hole in it.
B: You shouldn’t
carry your keys and pens in your pocket.
A: But that’s what
pockets are for.
B: You should
carry them in a purse.
A: I’m a man, and
men don’t carry purses!
B: Well, you
should buy pants with stronger pockets.
A: I would if I
could find someone who makes strong pockets.
B: Try a Google search online.
Wipe
Everything
A: What are those
wipes for?
B: You use them to
wipe the handle of the shopping cart.
A: That’s a great
idea.
B: Yes, all the
markets just started offering wipes to shoppers.
A: I’m going to
take five wipes.
B: What do you
need five of them for?
A: One to wipe the
handle, and the others to wipe the produce.
B: What’s the
matter with the produce?
A: Do you think
the bananas fell from the sky?
B: What do you
mean?
A: I mean, someone
used their dirty hands to pick the bananas, the apples, and the oranges.
B: Well, you better save a wipe for the dirty dollar bills you’re
going to pay with.
The 99
Cents Store
A: Did you go to
the 99 Cents store?
B: Yes, I did.
A: What did you
buy?
B: Well, I got a
lot of good deals, as usual.
A: Like what?
B: Well, a dozen
large eggs were only 99 cents.
A: That’s a good
deal.
B: And a one-pound
tub of soft butter was the same price.
A: Another good
deal.
B: But the best
deal was five pounds of potatoes for 99 cents.
A: I don’t know
how that store makes money.
B: Neither do I,
but they’re doing something right.
PC or Mac?
A: I need a new computer.
B: What’s the
matter with yours?
A: It’s six years
old.
B: That’s pretty
old.
A: It still works,
but I’m going to give it to a charity.
B: Are you going
to buy a desktop or laptop?
A: Oh, a laptop,
of course.
B: A PC or a Mac?
A: I haven’t
decided yet.
B: More and more
people are using Macs.
A: But 90 percent
of the world uses PCs.
B: And that’s not
going to change anytime soon.
Bad
Business
A: I got ripped
off.
B: What happened?
A: I had a car
problem, so I went online.
B: Did you find a
solution?
A: Yes, I did. A
site I went to said they would send me the solution.
B: So, what’s the
problem?
A: I sent them $20
using my credit card, but they never sent me the solution.
B: What are you
going to do?
A: I sent them an
email asking for my money back.
B: Have you heard
from them?
A: Not yet. It’s
been a week.
B: Well, I guess
that’s a $20 lesson for you.
Sharpen
the Pencil
A: Where’s the pencil sharpener?
B: Which one?
A: Any one. I need to sharpen this pencil.
B: I think there’s one on the dining room table.
A: I already looked there.
B: Did you look in the desk drawer?
A: Yes, I looked there, too.
B: Don’t we have about five sharpeners?
A: Yes, but they seem to have legs.
B: Tomorrow I’m going to buy an electric sharpener.
A: Get one with the rubber suction cups on the bottom.
B: Yes. That way it will stay where I put it.
B: Which one?
A: Any one. I need to sharpen this pencil.
B: I think there’s one on the dining room table.
A: I already looked there.
B: Did you look in the desk drawer?
A: Yes, I looked there, too.
B: Don’t we have about five sharpeners?
A: Yes, but they seem to have legs.
B: Tomorrow I’m going to buy an electric sharpener.
A: Get one with the rubber suction cups on the bottom.
B: Yes. That way it will stay where I put it.
To save
Money
A: I’m trying to stretch my dollars.
B: How are you doing that?
A: I started shopping at the dollar store.
B: That saves a lot of money.
A: I bought three pounds of potatoes for a dollar.
B: That’s a good deal.
A: Yes, even though some of the potatoes had eyes.
B: Just put them in the fridge.
A: Also, I bought a can of cheap coffee and a bag of good coffee.
B: Why did you do that?
A: I mixed them together.
B: If the coffee still tastes okay, that’s a good idea.
B: How are you doing that?
A: I started shopping at the dollar store.
B: That saves a lot of money.
A: I bought three pounds of potatoes for a dollar.
B: That’s a good deal.
A: Yes, even though some of the potatoes had eyes.
B: Just put them in the fridge.
A: Also, I bought a can of cheap coffee and a bag of good coffee.
B: Why did you do that?
A: I mixed them together.
B: If the coffee still tastes okay, that’s a good idea.
2 komentar:
tidak ada contoh dialog asking and giving apologize ya?
nanti ya ditambahkan
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